ORIGINAL: OldGeezer

Douglas?

Edit: If so, it should be the winner given the title of this thread.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I sure ain't touching it."

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little tetchy. Over breakfast, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and came across a set of railway lines. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Blimey," the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

What do you do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?

You throw your laundry in of course.

.

........walks away qietly........

http://www.videosift.com/video/The-Best-Way-To-Hide-A-Fart

What's hard, brown and sticky?
A stick.

How do you get a bassist off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

How do you get a guitarist to shut up?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How do you get a guitarist to shut up?
Put sheet music in front of him.

It doesn't work....he'll just say he wouldn't have played it like that and play the intro to 'Smoke on the Water' anyway, like he does on everything.

Why do drive-up ATM's have braile buttons?

Arese faacee