Emile Heskey has revealed that he's been wearing a T-shirt under his top ever since his last goal and will show it off next time he scores.
 
It says "Free Nelson Mandela".

 
Manchester United have signed a new striker from Nigeria. On his first day of training, Sir Alex picked up the ball and said "BALL" then pointed at the goal and said "GOAL". Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'KICK' understand, "KICK... BALL... GOAL... GOOOOOAAAALLL!"
 
Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies "Sit down son, I'm talking to Rooney".

 
Who will take the second shot in this frame of snooker?
 
 
 
Find out after the break.

Why are turds tapered?  So your ******* doesn't slam shut.

Why did the pig cross the road?

To beat up the protestor with his baton!

Why did the Polish man cross the road ?

Cos he'd taken the chicken's job.

 
I've just ordered myself a scale model of the Costa Concordia.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
They've put it to one side for me.

 
An Eskimo was tapping on the ice looking for some fish when a voice said; 'You won't find any fish under there!'
 
The Eskimo just ignored it and carried on tapping. Again, the voice echoed saying 'You won't find any fish under there!'
 
The Eskimo shouted up 'Who are you? God?' and the voice replied, 'No, the ice-rink manager!'

I got a new radio for my car  that's voice activated.   I say "Rock" and it plays Rock.   I say "Jazz" and it plays Jazz.

Yesterday, two kids ran in front of me while I was driving down the street.  I said "F****** kids!" and the radio played Michael Jackson...

Harsh, but hilarious fair.