I've just seen Stephen Hawking withdraw from a cash machine....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
It's nice to see he's found someone at last.
 
 

 
I was really upset when someone stole my German sausage....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

It's taken me a while to deal with it, but I'm over the Wurst.
 
 
 

Ugggghhhhhh

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door.  A boy, about 9, opened the door

“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you?  I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.  It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘
The boy thought for a moment.  “You would have to talk to Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic magician who kept trying to pull a hat out of a rabbit?

 
I was furious to be woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of my neighbours going at it like rabbits in my back garden...
 
 
"Grow your own carrots you pair of thieving twats" I shouted.
 
 

 
My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.

She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.

 
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."

One day I was stood in a park wondering why frisbees get larger the longer you stare at them.
Then it hit me.

 
I applied to be a human cannonball at the local circus but apparently they only take people of a certain calibre.