My mate Dean has a terrible stutter....
 
Every time he introduces himself it's like Match of the Day is starting.

 
What goes oooooooooooooo ooooooooo?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A cow with no lips.
 
 

What goes "Mark! Mark! Mark!"
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A dog with a hair lip.

I recently invented an elevator that only contains an 'Up' button.........








Unfortunately, it didn't go down too well.

 
I just read a letter from my girlfriend saying that she is breaking up with me because I cant throw anything away....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
It was dated 18^th August 1977.
 
 
 

My wife said she was leaving me because she said all I ever think about is football.

" I've just had enough of it. You show no interest in me whatsoever and in fact I've started seeing another man" she said

" Really ? " I said. "What team does he support ?"

What's the difference between a grape and an elephant?  Grapes are purple.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?  "There are elephants coming over the hill!"

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?  "There are grapes coming over the hill!"  (Jane's colorblind.)

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?  Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

What do you get when you run around inside an elephant for a long time?  You get pooped out.

 
My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."

 
Last night me and my girlfriend were in a bar when some lads came over and started picking on her.

"Aren't you going to help?" my girlfriend shouted.

"What do you want me to do? I replied.

"Knock one out at least" my girlfriend shrieked.

"Wouldn't it be more helpful if I punched one of them unconscious" I shouted back.

My girlfriend's getting angry because I won't stop doing my flamingo impression....














So I've had to put my foot down.