A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever peed in the shower. I said sure, accidentally. She asked how can you pee accidentally? I told her these things happen when you're taking a sh1t.

A guy walks into a bookstore. 
 
"Do you have that new book about ladyboys?"
"Oh - it must be tucked away somewhere." 
"That's the one!"

A man recieves a text message from his best friend:

"Bob, there's something I have to confess. While you're at work, I've been stealing your wife. I haven't been getting any at home and I just couldn't help myself, but I know that's no excuse. I'm wracked with guilt and promise that it won't happen again. I hope you can accept my sincerest apologies and that we can remain friends."

Overcome with anger and grief, Bob runs upstairs, shoots his wife and then turns the gun on himself. As they both lie there taking their last breaths, another text comes through:

"WIFI not wife! Damn autocorrect, lol!"

sharke
A man recieves a text message from his best friend:

"Bob, there's something I have to confess. While you're at work, I've been stealing your wife. I haven't been getting any at home and I just couldn't help myself, but I know that's no excuse. I'm wracked with guilt and promise that it won't happen again. I hope you can accept my sincerest apologies and that we can remain friends."

Overcome with anger and grief, Bob runs upstairs, shoots his wife and then turns the gun on himself. As they both lie there taking their last breaths, another text comes through:

"WIFI not wife! Damn autocorrect, lol!"

I can actually see that happening.  I've had some weird autocorrections!  (Plus there's an entire site dedicated to this!)

craigb

sharke
A man recieves a text message from his best friend:

"Bob, there's something I have to confess. While you're at work, I've been stealing your wife. I haven't been getting any at home and I just couldn't help myself, but I know that's no excuse. I'm wracked with guilt and promise that it won't happen again. I hope you can accept my sincerest apologies and that we can remain friends."

Overcome with anger and grief, Bob runs upstairs, shoots his wife and then turns the gun on himself. As they both lie there taking their last breaths, another text comes through:

"WIFI not wife! Damn autocorrect, lol!"

I can actually see that happening.  I've had some weird autocorrections!  (Plus there's an entire site dedicated to this!)

I make those kind of mistakes with autocorrect turned off. 

What's the difference between a piano and an itch?
You can't get a piano up your a**e
 
 
I used to think I was a Town Crier, but I'm alright now. OH YAAAAAAY, I'm alright now.
 
 
Chop up some basil, some garlic, crush some pine-nuts, season and mix with olive oil and - hey pesto!
 
 
How do you know when there's a botanical convention going on in your pub?
Everyone refers to each other by their Latin names
 
 

A man walks into a pub and everyone notices that his head is the exact same shape, colour and texture of a large orange. He then buys himself and the barman a drink.
The barman thanks him and asks him why it is that his head looks exactly like an orange.
The man explains thus:
"Several years ago, I was walking on a beach and I saw a washed-up bottle with a cork in it. I gave the bottle a wipe, pulled out the cork and a genie flew out and granted me three wishes.
"So, first of all, I asked for a magic wallet that is always full of money no matter how much I spend." He then opens the wallet, gives all of the money to the barman who then watches in amazement as the money 'grows' back in the wallet.
"That's amazing!" says the barman. "What was your second wish?"
"I asked the genie to make me attractive to any woman that I liked the look of." He points to a rather attractive young lady at the bar and says "Like her, for instance." The young lady turns around and, noticing him for the first time, comes over and sits next to him, smiling and generally behaving like she's besotted with him.
"Wow!" says the barman. "That really is impressive. What was your third wish?"
"Well," the man says, "I asked for my head to look exactly like an orange."
 
 

At a beekeeper's convention, our man finds himself in a discussion with some fellow enthusiasts about numbers of bees and hives.
The lady in the group said "I have 200,000 bees on my farm and they live in 3 separate hives. I know that's a modest number but I'm keeping things simple to try to get the honey quality just right. I'm keen to expand in the future, however."
Everyone nodded and agreed that this seemed wise.
A second man then told the group "I've been in the trade for most of my life - I have 800,000 bees and they occupy around 10 hives."
Much nodding ensued as they clearly had a guru in their midst.
A third chap told them that he was also a veteran but was happy keeping his honey yield low as he considered it to be more of a hobby these days. "I have around 250,000 bees and they're happy in their 5 modest-sized hives."
He then asked our man what kind of set-up he had.
Our man announced: "I have over a million bees and I keep them all in one hive."
"What?!" they all cried, "A million in a single hive?", "How... Why..." and so forth.
"Who cares?" our man defiantly explains, "They're only f**king bees."

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A stick!