Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

Frenchman, Italian and Scotsman in a pub all talking about who is the greatest lover.

The Frenchman says that when he is making love (c*m^ inside) his wife; when she orgasms she raises up two inches.
The Italian says that thats nothing because when he is making love (*u*s inside) his wife; when she orgasms she raises up 5 inches.
The Scotsman says thats nothing because when he is making love (c*ms inside) his wife; he pulls it out and wipes it on the curtains and she hits the bloody roof.

A drummer (not Jonbouy!) comes to audition for a local band.

His appearance attracts a lot of strange looks from the band members - he has a set of bathroom scales for a hat, and on top of the scales sits a sample bottle of piss.

Anyway, they give him a go but it's obvious he's not very good at all - he keeps losing time and dropped his sticks twice in the first number.

"Sorry man" says the lead singer, "But you're not getting the gig - you're in way above your head"

an atom walks into the bar and screams "bartender, help me...I've lost my electron"
Bartender "ok, ok are you sure?"
atom "yes, I'm positive!"

You know there are 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't

You are on a Horse, travelling at high speed, beside you to the left a sheer drop, to your right an elephant traveling the same speed and direction as you, in front, also a directly in front of you travelling the same speed and direction a zebra, with a a kangaroo behind you, again same direction and speed. you cannot overtake!, what 2 things must you do to save your live in this dangerous situation?



Get your drunk arse off the merry go round and act your age!

Di you hear about the lesbian twin sisters

They weren't identical, but they licked alike

I've just been reading about a dwarf whose been pick pocketed! How could anyone stoop so low?

Zoo Keeper say to Paddy, the Gorilla is on heat it needs sex! Would you have sex with it for 500 quid?

after a time of thinking Paddy replies, ok but on 3 conditions:
1. I'm not kissing it
2. No one must tell my Family
3. I'll need 2 weeks to get the cash together

How can you tell a deaf Pirate?

No Buccaneers!

Lady goes to the doctor concerned about her husbands weight, he's been feeling awful

He says simple, I know a knew diet called the banana diet, and it straight forward.

Monday only eat a banana, he can skip Tuesday, then Wednesday he eats again only a banana, and skip Thursday and on Friday again he eats only a banana and cary on like this. Tell me how feels.

2 weeks passed and she's back at the doctors.
'How is he doing' he asked?
'He died, I think it was the diet!' she responds.
'That's ridiculous! replies the doctor, 'you can't die from eating bananas.
'No, sorry doctor, I don't think it was the bananas, 'just all that skipping!'