Pretty hard hitting lyrics there Billy...
As an idea, I think it's working fine... All apart from, well... I'm kind of expecting "is a living hell" to come in a bit earlier. I'm struggling to count the beats, but that's my lack of skill rather than your tune. I just think that bit between "Now my life," and "is a living hell" is a touch too long.
That said... I could get used to it, and we need to find out what the experts think
cheers Billy,
andy
(I'm off to listen to one of my own toons now to cheer me up

)