That is some of the best lyrics I have seen /heard in a long time. You have a way with words and ideas. I think if you repeated your chorus again( Where it talks about In Love with You but I've gone insane) it would make the song stronger. The music could use some tightening up seems to me timing wise but it is still good. IMO the song is certainly worth your best effort. I really like it.

Teego, thanks a lot for your comments. 
 
Funny thing, in an earlier version of this song, I went verse/chorus/verse/chorus and ended with the line "I'm in love with you but I've gone insane" just like you said, and it worked pretty well. But I also really like ending the whole thing with the repeated "As I fade, fade, fade away," which means I can't end with "I'm in love with you..." I tried to add another verse to the middle, which would allow me to repeat the chorus, but I wasn't successful at that. But yeah, I totally agree with your suggestion. Just not sure how to get there.
 
As far as tightening it up, I agree with you there too. I'm so new at this, I'm not really sure where to go with it, but I hear what you mean. 
 
Thanks again.

This rocks in that quirky way that takes a second to kick in. It's not typical, but the first line makes you take notice. The lyrics kick all kinds of ass  and the matter of fact but laid back delivery combined with music that compliments despite not feeling like it should at first (if that makes any sense).  I really enjoyed this.  i think the mix needs a bit of "glue" to kind of bring it together, but that's just nitpicking.  in fact, when i listened i just assumed you were just going in a non-traditional direction with the mixing on purpose .  Awesome song.

Dubdisciple, thank you for your comments! 
 
I would love to hear more of your "nitpicking" regarding the mix. I read everything I can find and dredge the you-tube tutorials for all they're worth, but ultimately I'm still doing everything by ear and intuition. I still really don't know how to get from "Yeah that sounds good" to cohesive/glued together. 
 
I imagine even if I did know what I was doing I would be headed off in some non-traditional directions. (I've got pretty strange listening habits.) 

Just listened to the last version...  it certainly is a different song, with a cool retro-ish dreamy feel.  Good song.
 
Mix-wise, for me the bass wasn't strong enough, and the drums were too repetitive and a bit thing.  For me this seems like a "band" song so I'm listening from that perspective.   Love the little downward bend at the end.   
 

Wasn't sure what to think of this at first, but it grew on me pretty quick. I think your bass should be narrowed to center and mixed better with the kick. The wide bass just gets lost. Cool harmonies here and there as well. Nice one!
 
Regards,
Dan
 

I listened to version 2 on my little computer speakers, and I will try to hear it again in my studio....  I like the performances, the instruments were played very well I think.  Definitely a Dylanesque feel to the vox but I think it works for you.
 
On these speakers, I think I hear instruments (and background vox) that are barely audible.  It would nice to hear them better.  I don't think the snare drum fit the tune.  Maybe one a little lower pitched and darker might fit better?  I actually heard no bass on these speakers.  I'm not big into suicide, but they are definitely interesting lyrics.
 
Overall a pretty cool tune.  Work on the mix a bit and experiment with some of the ProChannel tools to see what else you can coax out of it!  Just MHO.  :-)

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Guitarhacker
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There's a different link further down the thread...
 
Dan
 

I like it, took a few seconds for it to 'click' for me. Like the laid back feel, and how everything fits together. Only critique would bass and kick drum sometimes get lost, and the snare sound would benefit from being deeper/darker - bit clicky for this type of track. But still, I enjoyed it and will definitely be checking out some of your other stuff