Me and my guitarist have been writing and re-writing and re-writing this song.

I think we need some outside input.

please review.


Melody, connectedness, soundness.

First Take:
http://mfi.re/listen...a_Barnes(2).mp3 (pitchy, but just meant to be a take at tempo)

Second Take:
http://mfi.re/listen...a_Barnes(5).mp3

Please help.  

cool start
 
Barnes 3 is nothing special..... a good song but nothing to write home about.
 
So here's my take on the snippit. (Barnes 5)  The better one of the two IMHO
 
The first section verse ....sounds good. The out of tune guitars actually contribute to the indy feel of the groove on this.
 
At 31 seconds, the song goes into the next section. I was a bit confused as this progressed. I first thought it was a prechorus but it kept going and then I though it was the chorus.... so... perhaps look at shortening this section by half and make it a true prechorus leading into a much higher energy chorus..... which BTW, you do nicely. It's just that this part is a bit too long for a PC. You actually have 2 energy levels in it..... I'd personally go with the first one...lower energy but a different feel from the verse and leads nicely into the chorus.
 
Then at 1:09 it hits what really sounds like the chorus.  At the end of the chorus.... 1:34 you should put the hook/title of the song right there. where the music holds....
 
just my thoughts.

thank you guitarhacker! btw, I just came across our old collab "I don't care"... :) 

I think if you combine the two versions and make it one, you'll do well. I think the strumming of the guitar doesn't work for the verses. Maybe outline chords with some type of arpeggio or something like that. The vocals are nice!

Would have had a listen but I am getting a "To many Redirects error"

Hmmm, not getting any redirects errors.

Hey, Josh.  Long time since I heard you.  I listened to just a minute of the first cut.  The pitchiness was very evident so I went to the second and listened to the whole thing.  I like it.  The vocal is still a bit pitch challenged but not as bad and that gets fixed anyway.  The vocal quality was really good!  I listened a second time and I really like the song.  

I definitely like the second version better - the tempo increase seems to work and it has more energy.  A few pitchy spots, sure, but I think Melodyne can resolve that (unless of course you plan to re-record the vocals).   Speaking of... I agree with Robert and Warren that your vocal quality is very good.  You actually remind a little of someone from the late 70's/early 80's but I can't quite put my finger on it...

thanks @pug
@SteveC - would that be Lou Graham? :) says sheepishly....or Paul Rodgers...he says very sheepishly. Actually, if you figure it out -I'd love to hear that...really.
 
The second version, again, is just cut together to get something to listen to. It's no where near a final cut. The vocal take is just a scratch track.

I can't wait to hear the finished version of this!  I like either arrangement and can actually hear how these two versions could exist in the same song.  Your voice sounds great for this, and I think the singers you mentioned are spot on.  Best of luck.