This bearded guy in a horse-drawn cart caught me outside and gave me this. He said I had to pass it on to others.
"You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity or computers, you are on the honor system.
 
Please delete all of your files.
 
Thank thee."

OMG! Are you OK? How will you get your files back?

Give him the 1970's New York cross Bronx expressway virus and take the wheels off his wagon.

I outsourced all of my data to an Amish cloud. The only way to hack it is to go to Caleb's barn, pull down the ladder and climb up to the loft. 
 
It's a fairly time consuming process, so I think it's pretty safe. Upload speeds leave a bit to be desired, though.

Hi,
 
Sadly, that kind of paranoia is just sick for my tastes. Bad enough that the _________ show up at my door every month, already!

When the ________ show up, try to sell them something.  Anything.  Just be REALLY overbearing and pushy while asking for way too much.  
 
They tend to pass our house by now for some reason...

The last time the local JWs showed up at my door, I told them if they ever come back I'll drop by their place and stand at their front door telling them about science.
 
That was a few years ago and they haven't been back.
 
I'm pretty sure they refer to me as the "Bastard Reprobate From Hell"

THE best response happened by my best friend (who also happened to be the most annoying organ and piano sales guy you ever met).  They came by selling religion but he sold THEM a nice organ.  LOL!