I went to the local Tin Foil Hat Shoppe, waited until they threw out some leftover pizza, and caught the door before it could close. Once inside, I saw this hat.
I thought it was nice, but I don't feel like being conscripted into the New Roman Army. I browsed through some of the cling film gas masks and then ran into this guy.
He acted like he didn't remember me, of course, but I told him he had delivered pizza to me several times in the last month. I told him that if he wore this hat while delivering my next pizza, he could join my family for game night. He muttered something about how his dad was right and he really needed to do something with his life.
All conversations stopped, naturally, as black helicopters passed overhead. Since we were six levels underground, I'm not sure how we knew, but we did. We always know.
Captain Captain is the owner of the place. He got his name when attempting to create a user id in Lord of the Rings Online. He got a bit confused during the id creation process. Anyway, I saw a picture of Captain Captain's SUV on the counter. I thought, "That's ridiculous. The wheel well is totally vulnerable. Didn't he consider the possibility of subterranean signals? Duh!"
Unfortunately, I had lingered too long and Captain Captain caught me. We went through the usual argument where he tells me that he banned me from the store and I tell him that it wasn't my fault that his last hat had ended up wrapped around my sandwich.
After a lengthy debate, I told him that I needed another hat. He asked me why and I just said that it was a traumatic experience and that I'll never look at an Ikea the same way again. He then had the audacity to tell me that he refused to sell me a hat because, "Some brains are just not worth the cost of the tin foil," and shoved me into the airlock (or elevator).
The nerve of that guy...He never told me which brains he meant. I still don't have a hat.