This is the day we celebrate the Stupid, Idiotic, Moronic, Asinine, Foolish, and Inane things in our lives. It's that special occasion where we recognize the people who lower our collective intelligence merely by existing. As a global society, we pause in our normal self-congratulatory pride to applaud the folks who make everyone else look so very smart by comparison.
This is our time. This is our day. Hang your heads in shame no longer, friends, for today, we take center stage. If you're an idjit, today is the one day of the year where the crowd facing you is not holding pitchforks and torches. Tomorrow, they'll chase you out of town, but today, you are celebrated. Congratulations, Buffoons! This party is all for you. Dance like crazy. No, I mean, you can dance like you're insane. That's okay today.
If you're reading this and you're Normal, don't worry. Find a Goob and take him to lunch. Buy your boss a jingly hat. Send your favorite politician a personalized note that says, "Only you could bring us this low." Tell your husband that of all the people in the world, he's one of them. (Note, reversing the roles does not work out well for the husband. It may not seem fair, but it is.)
Today, the Coffee House stands tall, ashamed no more. On this day, we take our rightful place at the center of our universe and declare in slack jawed dullness, "Duh..."
As my dad used to say when I was young, "You idjit! What in tarnation is wrong with you, boy? You just ain't right in the head." No. No, I'm not. Thanks for noticing.