Music is about experiencing emotion and expressing emotion. Therefore, this is the reason why being in full emotional health is so important to me. But since I have chronic depression which is something that takes away my emotions, I feel that since I have lost the very thing that is most important in music, I feel anger towards myself and that I should give up on my dream of being a composer. Without the ability to fully emotionally experience and express music, then I feel that my pursuit in being a composer and experiencing emotion from music is all dead and worthless.
 
This immense value I have towards being emotional in music is not only the reason why I wanted to become a composer, but unfortunately, it is also the reason why I am angry and consider giving up. Even though I could pursue my dream anyway and try my best to have the attitude of making the best of what emotion I have, the fact that I have lost some of my emotion due to chronic depression is too overwhelming despite any positive attitude I might try to have.
 
But there is one thing that I have always done that has never brought me any frustration or such anger towards myself which is playing videogames. When I play videogames, nothing matters (not even my emotional well-being). All that matters is just playing the game and I have no such value towards my emotional well-being like I do with my music which is something that only serves to bring me anger knowing that I'm chronically depressed.
 
So you might be thinking now that I should pursue my dream of becoming a composer just like how I play my videogames in the sense that my emotional well-being does not matter and all that matters is just composing the music. Unfortunately, this is not the case because the only reason I want to become a composer in the first place is my value towards emotion in music. In other words, I would have no interest in just simply composing music alone if it weren't for my value towards emotions.
 
I am struggling right now to decide if I want to go ahead and actually pursue my dream of becoming a composer or to just give up and play my videogames. It is hard because I am obviously a perfectionist when it comes to my emotional well-being in music and this is the attitude that is making me want to give up. Me being a perfectionist only focuses on what I don't got rather than what I have now (in this case, my emotional well-being). However, this attitude of mine is something I'm not even sure I can change completely which means that as long as I pursue my dream of being a composer, I will always have this feeling of frustration and anger towards myself that my emotional well-being is not in perfect shape. And I'm not even sure this is something even worth putting up with.
 
Therefore, do you think I should give up? Or is there some other type of attitude that you can recommend for me that will encourage me to pursue my dream of becoming a composer despite my chronic depression? If you are going to say something such as that I should channel my depression into making music, this is not who I am. I hate my depression and I want it to have nothing to do with my music (and that even goes for my feelings of frustration and anger).

No I don't think you should give up.
There are many issues to deal with when one chooses to study music, emotion is one.
A sense of direction and attitude for one to give it their best is so much better than quitting and possibly
regretting not following a strong desire to achieve something that means a lot to them.
 
Maybe that and the thought that making and listening to music is a healing method too will help you
determine your path. Good luck.

Hi Matt! Welcome to the forums!!!
 
I have no expectations from composing or playing music my music. It gives me a way to say what I can't say or feel any other way. It soothes me when I need soothing. When I'm mad at the world around me I can start playing or recording to release what's troubling me. It's my mechanism to cope. If you let it, composing and playing can put happiness back in your life. It has an advantage over video games because when your done you can come back to what you sang, played, or felt. It can help you  cry. It can help you laugh. It will change how you feel if you let it. And I do. Music is a gift for you and it costs nothing. No one has to hear it if you don't want it heard. It's for you and a voice you can call your own. 

There's a hierarchy to emotions.  There are negative emotions and positive.  Anger may be a negative emotion, but it's FAR better than being depressed!  If you're feeling even a little apathetic, please seek help immediately!  (I'm being serious for once here.)  Almost everyone mistakes apathy from someone who was sad and depressed as an improvement, then they are all shocked when something really bad happens (suicide or worse).  So keep fighting and playing music - get pissed off if you need to until you can work your way back up the scale.  Expressing anger in your music can be very therapeutic.  The next emotion above anger is pride (the highest negative emotion where you're holding on to achievements you made in the past instead of making new ones), then courage (or courageousness) which is the first of the positive emotions followed by acceptance and peace.
 
I have some background in this area, but I am NOT qualified to give any other advice except to keep fighting and seek professional help.  Depression can be a chemical imbalance, psychologically based or both and either is definitely treatable (in some cases far easier than it may seem right now).
 
One thing I can suggest (since I once was a Board Certified Hypnotherapist), is re-frame your condition.  Every time who think, mention or write that you have "Chronic Depression" your subconscious reinforces the condition.  I would suggest you catch yourself when you can and replace this with something more positive.  Even if it sounds a bit false in the beginning, your mind will begin to take it as fact and you will start feeling better. 
 
Good luck to you and keep posting!

Even the absence of emotion is a feeling and a evocative mental state that can be channeled into music. There is nothing you can or cannot feel that can't be channeled into your music. Don't give up your dream. Keep making music. Let it take you where it will. But keep making it.

MattMVS7
 
 
But there is one thing that I have always done that has never brought me any frustration or such anger towards myself which is playing videogames. When I play videogames, nothing matters (not even my emotional well-being). All that matters is just playing the game and I have no such value towards my emotional well-being like I do with my music which is something that only serves to bring me anger knowing that I'm chronically depressed.
 
So you might be thinking now that I should pursue my dream of becoming a composer just like how I play my videogames
 

Matt, I've seen your posts before, and I remember that you always mention videogames (Zelda, right?). I may be wrong, but I can't help thinking that it's perhaps the games that are stopping you composing music. Playing your games may create a calming world that you can immerse yourself in, but ultimately they may be isolating you in an emotional and physical sense.
 
Music may be the key to bringing back your emotions, and pulling you up from the depression.
 
Like I say, I could be way off track, but I know someone in their 20's with chronic depression (amongst other problems) who has pretty much retreated from life and does nothing but play videogames, and it's heartbreaking for his family.

That it. I have nothing probably good I am going to say. Music is not totally emotion, neither is playing a game. You must think you are the only one in the world. Sorry to disappoint you, there are many others all around. First you have to block out negative thoughts (actually I never thought it be on this forum, but it has been on other forums and I have given the same instructions (advice then whatever it is) and some call it meditation sort of like mediation.
 
Well, the end result is you have to train yourself. So here was that self-help book I read  a while back (actually it was something you listen to). When a negative thought comes into your thought brain, say "cancel, cancel". At first you will not catch it, but when you do repeat to yourself "cancel, cancel". You will get better at catching it sooner and you will do that, just say "cancel, cancel" when a negative thought comes into your brain. That will take 30 days, and you will catch on quicker to say "cancel, cancel" unlike you did at first when you do that.
 
After that as you also do that, take 20 minutes out of the day when you can relax in a quiet environment perhaps when going to bed. You think of nothing, and focus on relaxing only. You start off with imagining a very warm source shining down on you as your feet relax, then your legs, then your torso, and on up to your stomach, and through your chest, onto your neck, and finally in your face. Just feel the warmness on your feet first, and on up through your legs, and through your torso, and up through your stomach and chest, neck and face lifting up even through your hair and out of your body.
 
Surrounding you is an invisible shield, you can feel it, and it is all around you, the warmth flowing through every part of you as all stress leaves your person.
 
Now after all of that and while doing that, later after the 30 days, you may find that you do not have quite a focus. But do not think about it or worry about it, afterall, all the negative emotions and thoughts that once were there, are all gone. It may take awhile when doing that to channel your new-found strength into something that before was not available to you before doing those exercises.
 
Now you can always respond to an emergency if one comes up while meditating and respond and be alert and aware if need be. But while doing the exercise just let the stress flow out of you, and dissipate away from you.
 
Now the bottom line, if you think you can play a computer game or even play music without doing that exercise, then you are wrong, just plain wrong. Do it, and see the difference after a few months especially after the first month.
 
It does not hurt, and you do not need anyone else to accomplish that exercise, but you will do it, and in a couple of weeks you will have a deep relaxation episode where you know that is how it felt.
 
Now part of that came from Dr. Herbert Benson, and some parts from other people, I would have to look up to exactly remember his/her/spacealien name.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZ7JfC3_Zgc
 
You know the main problem with people saying that they can not do that - exactly - a negative thought -but you after awhile caught your negative thoughts and said "cancel, cancel" and took care of that exact problem.
 
Now, will you make money with any of that, well that depends, on a lot of factors so there is always no guarantee nor was there any such thing for anyone else. But then it did not take all that much time to do any of that.
 

Otherwise, I suppose we can get a big person (around 400lbs.) to sit on you and try not to squash you but sit there and tickle your feet until you give.

 
 

And computer games or music has never been about emotions. Yes, emotions can be a part of it, but actually it is intellect.
Get busy!
 
 
 

spacealf
And computer games or music has never been about emotions. Yes, emotions can be a part of it, but actually it is intellect.
Get busy!
 
 
 

At least that's what Big Mamma Thornton used to say.