...and the company in question contacted me to offer me...wait for it...an additional FREE crap beard trimmer, if I will remove the review. Excellent! I can double up on crap and cut my self esteem in half at the same time!

This thread is useless without scathing links. 

I didn't know that crap could grow facial hair? :-)

So, you've got 2 trimmers now?

Surprising that they didn't sue you....
 
That did happen to some poor guy who didn't like his stay at a certain motel chain.....
 
 
Of course, the other option would be to get rid of the trimmers, grow a beard, and move to the Louisiana swamps and hunt ducks. 

Or join a ZZ TOP tribute band.

I grew a useless beard once. It just laid there, doing nothing. It didn't get a job, do chores, or give massages.
 
Sure, it would catch food, but it rarely ever gave any of it back. When I'd talk to someone, I could see from their expression that they were staring at my beard. Clearly, it was mocking me. Birds wouldn't nest in it, but I did find a couple of bears hibernating for the winter in there. I tried to charge rent, but my beard helped them sneak out the back.
 
When my beard grew long enough, I tried to comb it over, but it felt scratchy on my eyes. I parted it in the middle, pulled each side up, and tied it in a bow on the top. Oddly enough, that didn't look as cool as you might think it would.
 
In the end, I shaved it off. Everyone's happier that way. Sure, I get angry looks from bears, the sun's reflection off of my head can overload solar panels, and a significant amount of food gets entangled in moob hair. In general, though, it's worked out pretty well. I got a postcard from my beard recently from Gnu Zealand. Apparently, it's earning a large bag of gold working in Hobbit movies.
 
Sure. Now, it gets a job...

I recently had a product maker call me and try to get me to change a review. The product was advertised as having a 10 year warranty and it sold on the web, you'll see why that's important here... It was a heat pump system and buying it on the web pretty much guarantees that they won't be the installers.. The company does a good job of hiding the fine print...what they don't tell you is that unless a company that the manufacturer approves of installs the unit, the warranty is only limited to parts and that's even pro rated according to how long the part was installed...AND you need to ship them the old part...
 
In my review of them, I said I didn't like the misleading warranty claims...I soon got a  phone call from one of their reps asking me if I would consider changing my review...they even offered money. They called several times and it amounted to low level harassment...they have mostly good reviews online...I think they pay off people to change negative reviews.
 
 Most warranties seem to be  misleading and are made in such a way as to assure that a company won't be obligated to go to much trouble to make things right.
 
Sharke- whatever your using it looks like it works :)

 
So, I guess that crappy razor is not going to work very well on this, then?