Wife: What the hell are you doing?

Husband: I'm doing that thing where you fart into a container before putting the lid on. It's a laugh.

Wife: You sick fecker, get out of my Mother's coffin.

When I was a wee boy, my grandfather used to take me up into the loft.
 
He would take down an old trunk from the shelf, and do you know what was inside the trunk?
 
A mermaid....
 
 
 
...on second thoughts, I'd better not tell the rest of this joke..
 
..it would upset Daryl..
 
..and I'd get banned..
 
..forever..

 
I am vastly intrigued.
 
 

Well, let's just say 'Frankie Boyle, most brutal joke ever'..

 
Found it
 
 

Did you laugh and feel ashamed at the same time?

A man and his father were looking at retirement homes for the father to live in.  After looking at the rooms and amenities, the son steps into the office to work out the financial details leaving dad on a bench outside the office.  Soon, Dad started to lean to the left and a passing nurse stopped and straightened him out and said, "You poor dear, we mustn't let you fall over."  
 
Soon, he started leaning to the right and another nurse straightened him up and said something similar to the first nurse.  
 
The son came back and said, "I think we can afford this place, Dad.  How do you like it?"  
 
The father replied, "It's OK, guess; but they won't let me get a proper fart out!"  
 

An elderly man finally agreed to be put into a retirement home against his better wishes.  The next morning a good looking female nurse stopped by to see how he's doing and was a bit surprised to see the older man sporting a woody. "Well! Let me just take care of that for you!" she said - and she did!  The man called up his son to say "I've changed my mind!  I think I'm going to like it here!"
 
Later that day as he was walking down the hall, he tripped and fell.  A male attendant was nearby and came over looking like he was going to help him up.  Instead he had his way with the older man first.  The man immediately called up his son and said "Get me out of here as fast as you can!"  "Why's that?" inquired the son, "I thought you said you liked it there."  "Well, " replied the father, "I only get wood once a month, but I fall down at least four or five times a week!"

Nothing like a nice, religious holiday to bring out the off-color humor in us all.  

I would hardly consider my birthday to be a religious holiday Jan.