FastBikerBoy
OMG, Don't tell Strummy, but in my defence sir the older boys made me do it......er.....I typed the other f but my (still in splint) finger missed the key.....it's not my fault honest. I'll retype it a hundred times later when the splint is of(f)...... 
Whoa..... hold it right there young feller me lad. Stop running in the quad and come here immediately.
My Straummy-sense is tingling....
Tingling all over as it happens.
And no, not you astbikerboy. You go about your business and prepare yourself for this afternoon's pro-celebrity quail egg poaching semi-final against St. Avid's House. As Captain, I'm expecting a great performance from you and the team.
Bapsi has been cramming in his dorm all night... at least I think that's what those strange noises were coming from his bunk that I heard when I was doing my rounds last night. He must have made a few messy mistakes during his revision though, as I distinctly saw him stuffing his bed sheets into one of the washing machines in the Upper Fifth laundry this morning. Lord knows how many eggs he broke, but I'd imagine it was quite a lot, seeing as how he smelt of shame and used nearly a whole box of Persil.
Good news too as Jonbouy has returned to the Lower Fourth this term and will be playing right behind you at silly-mid-square-backward-point-cover. His poaching has come along quite nicely since the embarrassing 'Humpty-Dumpty' calamity of last year's ostrich-egg-tickling all-comers bully off against those odious plebs from Steinberg Comprehensive.
There is some bad news however - although the beak has finally seen sense and dropped head-boy John from the 1st team for overt (and dare I say, totally unprofessional) sycophancy at last week's soufflé-felching
Hendershott's Cup fixture against those dreadful oiks from Reaper's Academy for the Criminally Deranged, he had promoted that odious little hall monitor, teacher's pet and general all-round bad egg Daveny5 to represent us at scrum-wing-flanker. We can only hope that his annoying habit of continually cracking jokes, and his general laugh-a-minute and slapstick approach to everything he does is kept in check for at least the first two chukkas.
Matron has promised to be on hand with a pre-prepared garlic poultice should any of the lads falter at any stage, although if McQ puts either of his feet into his mouth at any stage, I've asked her to immediately call Doctor John T, who will be on hand to surgically remove it.
I will be refereeing today's game, and of course, as suitable reparations have been made to my favourite er.... charity (The St Lucia Private Home and Massage Complex for Retired Referees), the result is already in no doubt. If you want to make a shilling or two on the side, I'd strongly advise taking the ante-post odds of 25/1 currently being offered by Mr Danzi, the new Latin Master, on a final score of 7 yolks to 3 when the final whistle blows.
Now, I'll deal with you CraigB, if that is your real name.
Here at St Cakes, we do not go in for such underhand and unsportsmanlike behaviour such as grassing up other pupils - you've been here long enough to know that. And especially not if the subject of your revelations happens to be our current House Captain. I'm certain that he's learned his lesson after crashing his tandem at last month's inter-school sparrow-scrambling trials. I gave him plenty of time to think about his reckless behaviour during his daily litter-picking and detention punishments, so I think we must now let the matter rest.
As for your behaviour, I will be setting you extra prep for the coming month, and I fully expect your attitude to improve over the coming weeks or I'll be forced to put you on report.