Some Top Tips (courtesy of
Viz magazine):
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of becan.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.