musician jokes

young boy "mommy when i grow up I wanna be a musician!"

Mother "well son you are going to have to chose.  you cant do both."

next?

My mate left his accordian on the back seat of his unlocked car the other day

when he came back he had 2 accordians

How do you get a musician off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

i miss the far side

and firesign theater

I suppose the firesign theater is now on the far side.

Serendipity.

What did the drummer get on his SAT test?

Drool.

Q: How many bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They won't touch anything electric.

Q: How do you make a banjo players car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.

Q: How do you know it's a singer at the door?

A: He doesn't know when to come in.

A guy walks into a fingerstyle guitar convention, picks up a guitar and begins to play. He plays so beautifully that before he has finished the song, he has attracted a crowd of fingerstlye guitarist onlookers.

"What is that strange tuning?!" he is asked.

"EADGBE" he replies.

[color=#800000 size=3 font="comic sans ms"]Q:[size=3 font="comic sans ms"] What's the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?

A:[size=3 font="comic sans ms"] The CD will eventually mature and make money.

I always carry a pair of drumsticks in my car.  If I can't find a decent parking spot, I just throw them on the dash and use a handicap spot.

Q: – What’s the most common thing said to a bass player in a 3-piece suit?
A: – "Will the defendant please rise"

Q: What's the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

How do you get a guitar player to turn down?  Pass him the sheet music..

How do you know if the stage is levelled (important info for the crew piling up the cabin towers)?
The drummer is drooling from both corners of his mouth.

Due to a shipwreck a bold team of musicians has endured on a deserted island for years. One day they get lucky, and find an oil lamp. Of course, rubbing it makes the genie show up. How come, the genie, gratefull for the liberation from his inprisonment promises to fullfill one wish for each of the guys.
So, speaks the guitarist:" I miss my dear wife and my children so. I wish to get back to them as soon as possible!" Whooooshh! Vanishes the guitarman.
The drummer:" I sort of, you know, miss the local pub and the ladies, you know,..I'd really like to get back to my favourite pub..." Whoooosh! Vanishes the drummer.

And so on...All the guys wish to get back to their own neighbourhood, families etc. Last in the line is the bass guitarist. "So...you're the last..What do you wish, my master?"
Standing alone on the empty beach goes the bassist: "Well...you know....I...I want my buddies back!"

How do you know if it's a drummer knocking on your door?

The knocks speed up/slow down


What do you call a guy who hangs around with the band?

A drummer

why does the singer stand on the front porch of her own house without going in?

she can't find the key.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?  "Hey guys, I have an idea for a song!"

A group was on safari in the jungle when they heard drums  playing.  Their guide says, "Must hurry.  We must leave before drums stop!"  

The safari members pick up the pace.  

Their guide repeats, "Must hurry.  We must leave before drums stop!"  

They pick up the pace even more.  Imaginations race.  Could they be cannibals or head-hunters?  

The drums are getting louder and faster.  Their guide repeats, "Must hurry.  We must leave before drums stop!"  

Finally, one of the group members asks, "What happens when the drums stop?"  

The guide says, "Bass solo."  

Old55


A group was on safari in the jungle when they heard drums  playing.  Their guide says, "Must hurry.  We must leave before drums stop!"  

The safari members pick up the pace.  

Their guide repeats, "Must hurry.  We must leave before drums stop!"  

They pick up the pace even more.  Imaginations race.  Could they be cannibals or head-hunters?  

The drums are getting louder and faster.  Their guide repeats, "Must hurry.  We must leave before drums stop!"  

Finally, one of the group members asks, "What happens when the drums stop?"  

The guide says, "Bass solo."  

Bwaaaah Haaaaa Haaaaaaa!!!!!

Old55


A group was on safari in the jungle when they heard drums  playing.  Their guide says, "Must hurry.  We must leave before drums stop!"  

The safari members pick up the pace.  

Their guide repeats, "Must hurry.  We must leave before drums stop!"  

They pick up the pace even more.  Imaginations race.  Could they be cannibals or head-hunters?  

The drums are getting louder and faster.  Their guide repeats, "Must hurry.  We must leave before drums stop!"  

Finally, one of the group members asks, "What happens when the drums stop?"  

The guide says, "Bass solo."  

Oooo!  A new one!  Me likey!

bapu


I suppose the firesign theater is now on the far side.

Serendipity.

One of them, anyway!
 
Just got their license plate frame to put on my car ... and ... bummer ... the bumper sticker is wong! It says bus, but I have a car, not a bus!

craigb


I always carry a pair of drumsticks in my car.  If I can't find a decent parking spot, I just throw them on the dash and use a handicap spot.

As do I ... and every favorite song on the stereo gets the snare drum treatment on my steering wheel!

How do you get two trumpet players to play in tune?




shoot one of them. 

Q. What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine?

A. A flat minor

Q. What do you get if you drop a piano in a military base?

A. A flat major

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range

Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who can play accordian but chooses not to.

how many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 - five.
   one to do it, and four to say "I can do that, but faster!"

This one is cool!

I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a
rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making
mistakes.
“When you’re too dumb to play anything,” the professor
conducting us sneered, “they give you a couple of sticks,
put you in the back, and call you a percussionist.”
A friend next to me whispered, “And if you’re too dumb to
hang on to both sticks, they take one away, put you in the
front, and call you a conductor.”

ProjectM


This one is cool!

I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a
rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making
mistakes.
“When you’re too dumb to play anything,” the professor
conducting us sneered, “they give you a couple of sticks,
put you in the back, and call you a percussionist.”
A friend next to me whispered, “And if you’re too dumb to
hang on to both sticks, they take one away, put you in the
front, and call you a conductor.”

HAHA!!! Good one!! 

Epitaph on a Blues singers headstone.

"I didn't wake up this morning!"

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

A drummist and bassist were sitting in a car going nowhere.
They were both waiting for the other one to start.

(My usual one - but it hasn't been posted in this thread yet, so...)

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?  It took over an hour to get the drummer out.

Two tenors walked into a diner.  First tenor: "Do you want to get a table?".  Second tenor: "Nah, I'm more of a counter tenor."

didnt we dew this in another thread somewhere in the olden daze???
I know, cause somebody stole my jokes....

How do you turn a duck into a singer ?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummers arm?

A tattoo.

What do you get, when you drop a piano down a mine?



A flat minor

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a bassist?

The vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in to suck.

What's something a musician will never hear?

Bar Owner: Gee, you guys sound great, but could you turn it up?



Randy

There are no musician jokes.

All of them are true.

musicman100


didnt we dew this in another thread somewhere in the olden daze???
I know, cause somebody stole my jokes....

yes, in fact, we did. But these days as I get older and older, the memory is shorter and shorter so these jokes, while vaguely familiar, are practically brand new. 

After Jon Lord passed recently he found himself walking around in the clouds. After a little while, he heard the unmistakable sound of one saying "check....check......check" into a microphone. He followed the sound thru the clouds, and found himself on a huge stage.

Looking around, he started seeing faces he recognized. There was John Entwistle tuning up a bass guitar. Janis Joplin and Amy Winehouse are doing vocal warmups together. On the other side of the stage, Randy Rhodes, Robert Johnson and Jimi Hendrix are tuning up and trading blues licks.

Stunned by the scene, he finally noticed a skinny pale faced Brian Jones standing next to him. Brian says "there's a nice vintage B3 plugged into a classic Leslie all ready for you Jon". Jon turned to Brian with a tear in his eye and says "so this is rock n roll heaven?". Brian, obviously high on something, mumbles "not exactly.

Right then Karen Carpenter walks in and sits down at the drums and says "Ok.....Close To You....1...2...3




Randy

I've got one close to Randy's  but can't be repeated on a family forum.

Q.)  What's the difference between a dead skunk on the side of the road and a dead Euphonium player on the side of the road?
 
A.)  The skunk was on his way to a gig!

eu·pho·ni·um

   /yuˈfoʊniəm/ [yoo-foh-nee-uhm]
noun
 
a brass musical instrument similar to the baritone tuba but somewhat smaller, with a wider bore and mellower tone, and often having a second bell.

 
For others that might have been curious.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A. A Drummer.
Here is one thing you will never hear a drummer say. “Hey guys let’s do one of my songs”
Q. What is black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A. A guitar player that told too many drummer jokes.
Q. What do you call a trombone player with a business card?
A. an optimist

Q.)  What do a drum solo and an orgasim have in common?
 
A.)  You know it's gonna happen and there's nothing you can do to stop it!