Newer joke:

Interview of a Married Man
 
Guys, here is very eye opening interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones, who may learn a few things...

Interview of a Married Man (for the benefit of the unmarried ones)

Reporter: So how is your married life?
The married man: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.

Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
The married man: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.

Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
The married man: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.

Reporter: Hmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
The married man: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.

Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
The married man: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
We are made for each other.
We are mad for each other.
We are maid for each other.

Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
The married man: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.

Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
The married man: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 1876 - 1.

Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free?
The married man: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.

Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
The married man: Yep, quite a few:
(A) Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
(B) Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
(C) Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
(D) And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.

See, a few jokes and the joint is jumping again.

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
 
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” 
 
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”
 
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Old Lady: Do you always play by ear?
Street Musician: Yes, lady, 'ere or 'ereabouts.

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
 
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
 
  "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
  The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

jbow


A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
 
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
 
  "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
  The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

Chort

A couple of chortles there, Jbow.  Well done.  

Old55

bapu


I thought I was well dreaded

That's a lock.  

Pick a lock?

bapu

Old55

bapu


I thought I was well dreaded

That's a lock.  

Pick a lock?

Dread lock.