Worst Timing In History!!!! :(

I've been put on notice.  Senior Management today informed me that I am going on a 21 day diet.  Cautiously, I inquired as to the nature of this diet.  I can hardly bear to type the response.  Vegan.
 
There was a lengthy period of screaming, furniture abuse, and gut-wrenching sobbing.  Gradually, I calmed down and only whimpered in a manly fashion.  I was assured that this period of STARK RAVING TERROR would only last for 21 days.  Potential "acceptable" epicurean delights were elaborately described in what I can only assume was intended to be mouth watering detail.  I was still thinking, "Plants.  That's what the food eats."
 
Seeing my mature, serene, and accepting attitude towards this edict, I was informed that I could still eat some things I liked.  I was also told that it was possible, albeit unlikely, to adapt.  I thought this was the most ludicrous thing I had heard in a very long time.  I don't adapt.  I invent imaginary realities to shield my conscious mind from the UTTERLY HIDEOUS TRUTH.
 
You can imagine my dismay and despair when I realized that Dr. Kevorkian had chosen to die just a little too soon to help me out.  Isn't that typical and just a little bit ironic?  What can I do now?  I've spent the last couple of hours beating myself with a hammer, hoping to put myself in a coma which would last for at least 3 weeks.   I certainly wouldn't want to wake up and find that I still had more time left on my sentence.
 
Anyway.  All of that becan had better be there when I wake up.  I know every strip by name and I'll know if someone's tried to take advantage of my disability.  Oh, and the cheese slices are spoken for as well.  Don't even think about it.
 
It's almost lunchtime.  Time to go out on the lawn outside this office building and graze.  Hopefully, someone will speed through the parking lot and strike me down.

And don't tell ANYONE you have it!

See if you can get tofu deep-fried in bacon grease.

UbiquitousBubba


I've been put on notice.  Senior Management today informed me that I am going on a 21 day diet.  Cautiously, I inquired as to the nature of this diet.  I can hardly bear to type the response.  Vegan.
 

May one enquire...why?

There are multiple reasons for this devastating turn of events.  I've had back pain since I was a young abomination.  This year, I injured my left knee and I've been limping and in extreme pain for the last several months.  I'm a fat, somewhat formless, gelatenous lump of flab.  My wife reads books.

She read that by adopting such a diet, some people are experiencing reduced joint pain, seeing some cancer remission (I haven't been diagnosed with that, by the way), and also repairing some cardiovascular damage (again, not my diagnosis).  She thought that even her husband could endure this for only 21 days.  It just goes to show how my practise of calmly suffering in silence has confused her. 

Radishes have just realized the depth of this insult and have turned a bright shade of red. 

My wife reads books.

Mine did too and you and you see what happened to me.

It's been my experience to have success at such you have to ease into it. Introduce the veggies slowly increasing over time. I now eat one salad a day and walk. Speaking of walking, when I first started after all the cancer treatment I could only make it about 50 yards a day. Now I'm up to at least 1 1/2 miles 4 to5 times a week. That took 2 years to get up that far. Taking drastic measures didn't ever work for me. Good luck Bud and keep your head up!

I've also considered the "Look Shocked and Ask If She Was Serious About That" approach.  I think I've used all of these too many times in the past. 

She's crafty and wiley, she is.  (No, Bapu, not Willy.  That's a different person.  Not that it matters.)

 No need to go cold turkey . Hows about a compromise??? Would you entertain the idea of this? Still meat just different more healthy meat...

I don't know if you are really a fat, somewhat formless gelatinous lump of flab or how old you are, but if any of that is even close to the truth, don't wait too long.
My oldest brother got so big and had bad knees from his football days that he can't exercise, and can't lose much weight. His pretty strict diet only keeps him from gaining. Not to mention the heart attack and diabetes. He turned 61 this year and weighs about 400 pounds.

UbiquitousBubba


I've been put on notice.  Senior Management today informed me that I am going on a 21 day diet.  Cautiously, I inquired as to the nature of this diet.  I can hardly bear to type the response.  Vegan.
 
There was a lengthy period of screaming, furniture abuse, and gut-wrenching sobbing.  Gradually, I calmed down and only whimpered in a manly fashion.  I was assured that this period of STARK RAVING TERROR would only last for 21 days.  Potential "acceptable" epicurean delights were elaborately described in what I can only assume was intended to be mouth watering detail.  I was still thinking, "Plants.  That's what the food eats."
 
Seeing my mature, serene, and accepting attitude towards this edict, I was informed that I could still eat some things I liked.  I was also told that it was possible, albeit unlikely, to adapt.  I thought this was the most ludicrous thing I had heard in a very long time.  I don't adapt.  I invent imaginary realities to shield my conscious mind from the UTTERLY HIDEOUS TRUTH.
 
You can imagine my dismay and despair when I realized that Dr. Kevorkian had chosen to die just a little too soon to help me out.  Isn't that typical and just a little bit ironic?  What can I do now?  I've spent the last couple of hours beating myself with a hammer, hoping to put myself in a coma which would last for at least 3 weeks.   I certainly wouldn't want to wake up and find that I still had more time left on my sentence.
 
Anyway.  All of that becan had better be there when I wake up.  I know every strip by name and I'll know if someone's tried to take advantage of my disability.  Oh, and the cheese slices are spoken for as well.  Don't even think about it.
 
It's almost lunchtime.  Time to go out on the lawn outside this office building and graze.  Hopefully, someone will speed through the parking lot and strike me down.

I feel your pain Bubba.....not only was I forced have I made the switch to....(sigh!) Vegan in the past 2 weeks, but my sentence has been extended to (practically) life imprisonment ("in jail without no bail")......all due to my fiendly friend......gout. I suppose it's the adjusmtent period (now 2+ weeks) that's hard to overcome as you feel like you're being ripped off, scammed, thrown under the bus, and left to vegitate.
I'm determined to overcome this and take this one for the team as it's for everone's betterment, but for the moment I'm going to run limp to the cafeteria and get that juicy BLT!!   

By the way, I understand that a vegetarian and/or Vegan lifestyle is essential for some and beneficial for others.  I'm just having a full-blown panic attack and throwing a mature version of a temper tantrum about it. 

That's right.  I said mature.  Believe me, this is the "mature" version of my tantrums.  Oh, I'll comply with the program, but I will make faces, kick and cry, and stare in wide eyed horror as the spoonfull of strained beets makes its airplane noises on its final approach.

I know that this temporary diet I've been asked to undertake is a relatively small thing and some of you may think that I'm acting like a baby and I should just man up, shut up, and do it.  You're right.  I probably should take that approach.  On the other hand, I really don't see that happening.

I had a sarcastic remark about giving Death a chance, but I decided it was more tasteless than tofu. 

By the way, I have a fundamental problem with any food item where the best thing someone can say about it is, "It's tasteless".  Will someone help me get down out of this highchair?  My bib is messy and now my hands are covered in plant goo.  It's going in my hair next, you know.  Fine!  I don't have hair!  It's going on my bare scalp next, you know.  Anyone?  Hello?  Did anyone see what Bapu did with my becan?  Somebody count my cheese slices!

FWIW I never ever bothered with any 'meat substitutes', tofu or anything I didn't like.

I just ate good food that I enjoyed eating.

Textured protein stuff just reminds me of stuff like non-alcoholic beer, or phone sex, i.e. completely pointless.

Yep...been around that mill before..not quite work caused but heart attack caused...I however did not go quietly into the dead of night without a whimper though...I decided, myself, to go on a lacto-ovo-vegetarian diet that took care of a ot of those 'animal' cravings...while at the same time..picked up on walking and some biking...at one time I was nearly 325lbs....now I am down to 220lbs and counting down to my ideal weight...which should be roughly 190lbs...the target is within reach....

Way to go!  I applaud those who have taken charge of their health and are seeing the benefits of their efforts.  Actually, I wave and slap arm fat, but the noise is similar to applause.