My only reason for living and composing

Edit:  I will make one more post here for others to reply to.  As I said, I am currently learning how to compose as of now.  But I have no true passion for composing alone in of itself.  My true passion is having these awesome and beautiful songs I've created in my mind to get praised and recognized by as many people as I can find.  It's not about me as a person getting admiration.  Rather, it is about these songs since they are so great, special, beautiful, and powerful to me and they sound like those top of the line songs you hear that are produced by hardcore musical professionals.  The brain is an amazing thing and it can create such songs in your head.
 
Now my composing dream is no different than if you wanted to build a house, but you have no true passion for working with tools and being skilled at building houses.  It wasn't about the process of building that house.  Rather, it was about that house being created since this house is the most special and beautiful house to you and you really want it to be built.  So that is the analogue for my composing dream. I have no true passion for the whole process of composing.  Rather, my true passion is having my envisioned music praised, admired, and recognized by as many people as I can find since it is these songs that are important to me; not the composing.
 
Some people might say that I am not a true composer.  They might call me a composer which would be a poser in the composing art.  But I don't care about that.  I just want these songs in my mind to become a reality and for them to be praised and recognized.  I know this is a set up for failure and disappointment since there are so many factors that could prevent me from achieving this goal such as some fatal illness or disease.  But I am still going to go through with this composing dream of mine anyway and just hope that I achieve my goal.
 
I have a true passion for creating music in my head and having that music praised and recognized. I know these are great and beautiful songs I hear in my mind. But I rely on certain factors (conditions) to make my composing and my life worth living. The #1 factor (condition) I rely on to make my entire life worth living to me are my feelings of happiness and enjoyment. As long as I don't have those feelings due to depression and anhedonia, then that is living my life and doing my hobbies like nothing more than a lifeless statue set in motion.

There literally is no joy or anything for me living like that. The 2nd condition I rely on to make my composing worth living for is the idea of my music getting out there and getting praised and recognized since that is my goal in composing which is to produce those songs how I hear them in my mind and share them with others. Sharing my music is a way of connecting with others.
 
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Now the only thing that matters to me in life is how I feel. That is the only determining factor of the value of my life. As long as I feel motivated, happy, profound joy, beauty, and am enjoying my life, then my life is well worth living to me. But if I feel depressed and/or anhedonic, then my life has no value during that moment. It is not worth living and my hobbies aren't worth living for either during that moment.
 
I suspect that I could be a musical savant due to my autism and the amazing and beautiful types of music I have created in my mind. Now that is just my opinion though. As to whether I really am a musical savant has yet to be determined. That can only be determined by me actually developing the physical musical skills necessary to actually bring those songs I hear in my mind here into reality.
 
So even though I could already be a musical savant mentally (which has yet to be determined), I have no skill physically as of now. Therefore, I have yet to learn how to compose. I am all ready to do that now since I have my good feelings back to me again. But if I really am a savant, then it doesn't matter how good of a musical talent I have; I will give up on it if there ever comes a moment in my life again where I lose those good feelings. Without my good feelings, then it is like I am living my life and composing like a lifeless statue set in motion.
 
There is literally no joy, happiness, value, etc. there at all. So that is why I would give up. I absolutely cannot stand for even one moment pursuing a wonderful hobby and a wonderful talent like that. So to avoid any further issues and anger/frustration, I would just have to give up on my musical talent for now until I can get those good feelings back to me again.

You have been over this over and over and over again on this forum and nobody here can offer you a shred of advice or insight that you're willing to take or listen to. Please don't take this the wrong way but you really need to post this stuff on a forum which deals with psychological issues and has people qualified to offer advice about your particular psychological problem. Because I know how these threads go - people will, having not read your earlier posts, eagerly write long and well thought out advice only to find that you instantly pooh pooh it as inapplicable to your "unique" disorder. It seems to me that you're just using this forum as a platform on which to indulge your own sense of self-tragedy without actually having any interest in accepting help or advice from anyone. Some may say that's harsh but it's just honestly what I think man. So please take your problem to a forum which is qualified to help with these things, I really wish you all the best of luck.

sharke
You have been over this over and over and over again on this forum and nobody here can offer you a shred of advice or insight that you're willing to take or listen to. Please don't take this the wrong way but you really need to post this stuff on a forum which deals with psychological issues and has people qualified to offer advice about your particular psychological problem. Because I know how these threads go - people will, having not read your earlier posts, eagerly write long and well thought out advice only to find that you instantly pooh pooh it as inapplicable to your "unique" disorder. It seems to me that you're just using this forum as a platform on which to indulge your own sense of self-tragedy without actually having any interest in accepting help or advice from anyone. Some may say that's harsh but it's just honestly what I think man. So please take your problem to a forum which is qualified to help with these things, I really wish you all the best of luck.

Actually, this time is different.  All I was simply saying was that I have my good feelings back to me again and that I am now going to learn how to compose.  But if I lose those feelings again, then I am just going to give up again until I can get them back to me.

SuperMarioGamer

sharke
You have been over this over and over and over again on this forum and nobody here can offer you a shred of advice or insight that you're willing to take or listen to. Please don't take this the wrong way but you really need to post this stuff on a forum which deals with psychological issues and has people qualified to offer advice about your particular psychological problem. Because I know how these threads go - people will, having not read your earlier posts, eagerly write long and well thought out advice only to find that you instantly pooh pooh it as inapplicable to your "unique" disorder. It seems to me that you're just using this forum as a platform on which to indulge your own sense of self-tragedy without actually having any interest in accepting help or advice from anyone. Some may say that's harsh but it's just honestly what I think man. So please take your problem to a forum which is qualified to help with these things, I really wish you all the best of luck.

Actually, this time is different.  All I was simply saying was that I have my good feelings back to me again and that I am now going to learn how to compose.  But if I lose those feelings again, then I am just going to give up again until I can get them back to me.

I'm just not sure how that information is relevant to anyone on this forum, that's all. This is a music related forum, not a psychiatrist's couch. If you just want to talk about the technical side of composing then everyone will be all ears, but as soon as you start talking about how it relates to your mental condition then you're not going to win any friends here. Just saying....

Personally, I'm worried about supermariogamer. :(

eph221
Personally, I'm worried about supermariogamer. :(

Make a plan to visit him?

Mesh
Sharke, do you like Zelda or movies about gladiators?
 
 
 

Funnily enough they're my two pet hates....

Daryl likes monkeys.

savageopera
So Mario, just stop posing and start composing.......

Yeah...   Maybe Nike had it right in this case - just do it.
 
Or to borrow another catchy phrase: talking about music is like dancing about architecture.  

Welp...rock it while ya got it, ol pal. That's all any of us can do. And you are no exception. Honest.

yorolpal
Welp...rock it while ya got it, ol pal. That's all any of us can do. And you are no exception. Honest.

Thank you.  But did you or anyone else here want to know what style of music I wish to compose?  You might have no interest because I might have came across as an annoying disrespectful person in the past.  As I mentioned before, I was going through some bad times in my life.  So those moments have passed now.  If you wish to know what style of music I wish to compose, then I will explain in my next post here.  I am currently learning how to compose as of right now and am posting here in the meantime as well when I have free time to do so.  

I will make one more post here for others to reply to.  As I said, I am currently learning how to compose as of now.  But I have no true passion for composing alone in of itself.  My true passion is having these awesome and beautiful songs I've created in my mind to get praised and recognized by as many people as I can find.  It's not about me as a person getting admiration.  Rather, it is about these songs since they are so great, special, beautiful, and powerful to me and they sound like those top of the line songs you hear that are produced by hardcore musical professionals.  The brain is an amazing thing and it can create such songs in your head.
 
Now my composing dream is no different than if you wanted to build a house, but you have no true passion for working with tools and being skilled at building houses.  It wasn't about the process of building that house.  Rather, it was about that house being created since this house is the most special and beautiful house to you and you really want it to be built.  So that is the analogue for my composing dream. I have no true passion for the whole process of composing.  Rather, my true passion is having my envisioned music praised, admired, and recognized by as many people as I can find since it is these songs that are important to me; not the composing.
 
Some people might say that I am not a true composer.  They might call me a composer which would be a poser in the composing art.  But I don't care about that.  I just want these songs in my mind to become a reality and for them to be praised and recognized.  I know this is a set up for failure and disappointment since there are so many factors that could prevent me from achieving this goal such as some fatal illness or disease.  But I am still going to go through with this composing dream of mine anyway and just hope that I achieve my goal.

Get help!