A bear goes into a pub and says, "Can I have a pint of .......................................
........................................................... er ................................................................................
..................................................................................................................................................... um .......................................................................
................................................... ah ...........................................................
..................... Guinness, please?"
The barman says, "Sure, but why the big pause?"

I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.

I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad.

I went to dinner at my friends house, it was a disaster.

His wife said 'James, how many potatoes would you like?'

I said 'I'll just have one please'

She said 'it's OK, you don't have to be polite!'

I said 'Ok, I'll just have one, you stupid cow'

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

SteveStrummerUK

 

"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"

 

 

 

Love that joke

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

David Beckham:

"Yes we're going to have Brooklyn christened, we're just not sure into which religion yet."

Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the recpetion area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.

One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.

"Oh," the nun says, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

 
Its the year 2019 and David Beckham's son is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
 
David thinks for a moment and says...
 
"Wear four out there Romeo"

 

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.

 
Alex Ferguson calls Wayne Rooney into his office.
 
'Wayne' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last few games. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
 
'Sorry, boss', says Wayne. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
 
'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Collette and Kai okay?'
 
'Oh they're fine', says Rooney. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
 
'Whatever's the matter, Wayne?' says Fergie.
 
'Well, boss', says Wayne, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
 
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're playing like a twat every time you play because of a bloody jigsaw?!!!'
 
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says Rooney in that horrible whining voice. 'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
 
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as Manchester Uniteds' success.'
 
'Yeah, boss,' says Rooney, 'But it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
 
Ferguson waits until even Rooney realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual. 'Wayne,' he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got to get you back to playing football.'
 
'Oh thanks, boss,' says Wayne, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
 
So Rooney brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.
 
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Rooney empties all the pieces from the box all over Ferguson's desk.
 
'Wayne' sighs Ferguson, 'Put the feckin' Frosties back in the box.'
 
 
 
 

Q Whats worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
A Being raped.  


Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Probably one, unless it is a giant light bulb that weighs several hundred pounds, in which case it will probably require several Dartmouth students, some strategic planning, and possibly some equipment.

musicman100


Bouy, Bapu, Mooch, and Karyn walk into a bar....

And none of them drink.