I've just had to deal with a dirty, dishevelled man wearing an old raincoat.
 
"Do you have any books about 'Indecent Exposure'?" he asked.
 
"Sorry sir" I explained, "But you have already taken it out."

Anywho, this chap came in earlier and asked me if we had any books on the subject of 'Coincidences'....
"As a matter of fact" I said, "This one has just arrived."
Yes, that was lucky. Had it arrived yesterday it would've got sorted by height and you'd never have found it...
Kenny Baker just wandered in and asked me if we had any books about 'Irony'...
"Why yes, yes we do" I helpfully replied, "They're over there, on the top shelf."
Is that in with the tall books or the short ones?
Mind you, the biggest celebrity we've had in all morning was, without doubt, Stevie Wonder...
"Hi honey, I'm home" he chirped.
He lives in your library?  And calls you Honey?   Really?
I've just had to deal with a dirty, dishevelled man wearing an old raincoat.
"Do you have any books about 'Indecent Exposure'?" he asked.
"Sorry sir" I explained, "But you have already taken it out."
You only have one book on that subject?  What sort of library are you running here?
And now I've just had a guy walk into the library dressed as a German classical composer.
He asked me where he could find books about Austrian actors.
"Over there" I said, "Aisle 'B', Bach."
Since when was Bach an actor?  You're not very good at this librarian thing are you....

 
This chap just asked me, "Do you have a section with books about pantomimes?"
 
"Yes" I said, "It's behind you."
 
 
 

 
Another guy just enquired, "Excuse me my good man, do you have this book - 'Your First Gay Sex Experience" - in stock?"
 
"We certainly do sir" I said helpfully, "It's over there on the bottom shelf of that bookcase, just bend over and take it."

 
I just had a fight with a bloke who was rather violently leafing through the dictionary...
 
 
Mind you, I think he was looking for trouble.
 
 

todays crappiest joke
 
MILEY CYRUS

A man went into my local library and asked if they had the book "101 ways to commit suicide". The librarian said they did, but that he couldn't borrow it.
The man asked ....."why not?"
 
"Well, let's face it....." said the librarian....."the chances of you bringing it back aren't very good"

a monkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender :
"do you have bananas ?"
-"no, sorry"
"do you have bananas ?"
-"i just said no"
"do you have bananas ?"
-"NO, get the hell out!"
"do you have bananas ?"
-"ask me once more and i ll nail your tongue to this table !"
"do you have nails ?"
-"no"
"do you have bananas ?"
 
 

"Knock knock."  "Who's there?"  "Banana."  "Banana who?"  "Banana banana!"
"Knock knock."  "Who's there?"  "Banana."  "Banana who?"  "Banana banana!"
"Knock knock."  "Um, who's there?"  "Banana."  "BANANA WHO??!"  "Banana banana!"
"Knock knock."  "Ok, WHO'S THERE??!"  "Orange."  "Orange?  Orange who?"  "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"

Two Dicks walk into a bar and the bartender says
 
"Roight, looks like I'll get no bollocks from you two tonight."

Yer well come mate. 

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but. Something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 compensation to come to you from the insurance company and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! but.. the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says,
"It's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
."We're having. “new kitchen cupboards"

 Crappiest joke evah!

Meanwhile back at the ranch, The Lone Ranger disguised as a pool table... Tonto racked his balls.
 
Just say "Wow" to Drugs.