A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

A guy walks into a bookstore. 
 
"Do you have that new book about ladyboys?"
"Oh - it must be tucked away somewhere." 
"That's the one!"

sharke
A man recieves a text message from his best friend:

"Bob, there's something I have to confess. While you're at work, I've been stealing your wife. I haven't been getting any at home and I just couldn't help myself, but I know that's no excuse. I'm wracked with guilt and promise that it won't happen again. I hope you can accept my sincerest apologies and that we can remain friends."

Overcome with anger and grief, Bob runs upstairs, shoots his wife and then turns the gun on himself. As they both lie there taking their last breaths, another text comes through:

"WIFI not wife! Damn autocorrect, lol!"

I can actually see that happening.  I've had some weird autocorrections!  (Plus there's an entire site dedicated to this!)

What's the difference between a piano and an itch?
You can't get a piano up your a**e
 
 
I used to think I was a Town Crier, but I'm alright now. OH YAAAAAAY, I'm alright now.
 
 
Chop up some basil, some garlic, crush some pine-nuts, season and mix with olive oil and - hey pesto!
 
 
How do you know when there's a botanical convention going on in your pub?
Everyone refers to each other by their Latin names
 
 

At a beekeeper's convention, our man finds himself in a discussion with some fellow enthusiasts about numbers of bees and hives.
The lady in the group said "I have 200,000 bees on my farm and they live in 3 separate hives. I know that's a modest number but I'm keeping things simple to try to get the honey quality just right. I'm keen to expand in the future, however."
Everyone nodded and agreed that this seemed wise.
A second man then told the group "I've been in the trade for most of my life - I have 800,000 bees and they occupy around 10 hives."
Much nodding ensued as they clearly had a guru in their midst.
A third chap told them that he was also a veteran but was happy keeping his honey yield low as he considered it to be more of a hobby these days. "I have around 250,000 bees and they're happy in their 5 modest-sized hives."
He then asked our man what kind of set-up he had.
Our man announced: "I have over a million bees and I keep them all in one hive."
"What?!" they all cried, "A million in a single hive?", "How... Why..." and so forth.
"Who cares?" our man defiantly explains, "They're only f**king bees."

 
Now HERE'S a crap joke for ya!

Made this up myself:
A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve marsupials here." 
Grasshopper: I'm an insect, not a marsupial.
Bartender: Well, you hop like one.
Grasshopper: That's because I drink too much.
Bartender: what's that got to do with it?
Grasshopper: It's the beer. Where do you think I get my hops?

Bach fathered 20 children....no wonder he was always baroke
 
If only he had more organ stops

Amusing true story:
 
Back in the days before CDs (just to place this in time) I was trying to impress a lovely young thing who was a music lover.  I played her my favorite Bach organ fugue (performed in killer fashion by Anthony Newman).  When it ended, her only comment was "Geez, no wonder he had so many children.  After that what else could you do?". 

What do you call a guy with 100 Rabbits stuck up his backside?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Warren....
 
 
 
 
I'll get my coat

Yoshi, the son of a Japanese businessman, enters his first day at Los Angeles Elementary’s fourth grade.
 
Teacher, “Let’s begin by reviewing American history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death”?” She sees a sea of blank faces, except for Yoshi. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he says.
 
“Very good! Now, who said “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth”?” Again, no response except from Yoshi. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” he says.
 
The teacher snaps at the rest, “Class, you should be ashamed. Yoshi, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
 
A loud whisper is heard: “Screw the Japs.” “Who said that?” she demands. Yoshi, with hand up, “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”
 
At that point, a student in the back said, “I'm gonna puke.” The teacher glares and asks, “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Yoshi, “President George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
 
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Yoshi jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
 
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone says, “You little sh!t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.” Yoshi frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”
 
The teacher faints and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone goes, “Oh sh!t, we’re in BIG trouble!” And Yoshi replies, “Arthur Andersen, 2002.”

A new bar went in down the street and already two blind guys have walked into it.

Some people post stuff like this  in the FSF. This forum is a chaos. I wonder who is moderating here?
 
 

Ham N Egz
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ... He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. 
   
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."  
    
"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added: "It is a special day for me ... I'm celebrating
  
 "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.  
    
"What a coincidence" said the farmer.
    
While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating?"  
    
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
    
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
    
"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
    
"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.
   
 The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"