Crap Jokes anyone?

Raisin the tone I see...

Notes from an inexperienced chili-taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:


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Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.


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Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.


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Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.


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Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.


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Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


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Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.


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Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a distress.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

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Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Frank: ------- (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

ok... is that crap enough?

a horse walks into a bar.... bar tender.. why the long face

a man walks into a bar.... OUCH

a bit better >

Steve, bakers had a secret meeting the other day... it was on a KNEED to know basis

a midget clairvoyant escaped jail today... they are looking for a small medium at large

RE: Crap Jokes anyone? -

Know how I can tell I had corn niblets yesterday?

ORIGINAL: spencer09

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

Ok in this vein...

What's grey and can't swim?

A castle.

WHat do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene

What do you call a man with no legs? Neal

What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't matter. He aint coming to ya.

What do you call a blind white-tail? No eye-deer

What do you call a dead blind white-tail? Still no eye-deer

Two squirrels are sitting in an oak tree eating acorns. One of them says "Hey could you please pass the salt?" The other looks at him and says "What do you think I am, a radio?" Hahahaha.

So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....

Then there was the drummer who pushed his BMW into the local car mechanics garage.

"It just started spluttering and then stopped altogether" says the drummer.

After just a couple of minutes looking round the engine, the mechanic says "Crap in the carburettor mate".

"Well... if you think it'll help"

I may be pushing and will remove if needed...

Little boys noticed that the sailors would get together and count money and then knock on this Ladies door and she would let them in.
Curious they put all their money together and the brave one took .50 cents in hand and knocked on the door. Madam answered and asked “what do you want”. He said “I want to come in”. Madam said “no, now go play” and shut the door. So he knocked again…
She repeated herself and closed the door. He knocked again …she flung the door open, raised her skirt, grabbed him by the head and rubbed his face in it, grabbed the 50 cents and shut the door.
Confused he went back to his friends that were watching and they asked, “what the heck happened?” He said , “I don’t know but I’m glad I didn’t have a dollar!”


I wanted to be a comedian but everyone kept laughing at me so I gave up.

Spacey:

OMG! That one hit right on the funnybone...

My mother was French and my father was a Pygmy.

I'm a great cook, but I can't reach the stove.

ORIGINAL: rsp@odyssey.net

Sorry Geezer, I feel your pain, as I too have a family member with dyslexia. My younger brother is in prison for a horribly bad attempt at robbing a bank. We still don't know where he got the gnu.

Randy

LMOA!

Dyslexics of the world UNTIE.

ORIGINAL: alree

Dyslexics of the world UNTIE.

Stop it! You're lliking me!