Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-****.


The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..


Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?


Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed man. 

daryl1968

Wavy Gravy

daryl1968

Eyebrows and a mustache and you've got Groucho Gourd.  

51 minutes later I FINALLY fingered it out FBB.

an oldy but a goody

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The Rabbi responded, "yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said: "Beats the crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

daryl1968


I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "No, you sick bstard. I'll be putting it up in my living room like normal people."

Straummy, how'd you get Dazzy's password?

craigb


Hehe...  He called him "Dazzy!"

bromance

I heard Yes was planning on doing a cover album. The project got scuttled when they couldn't agree on which three songs to put on it.

19!

12!

craigb

paulo
12!

No, no, no...  This thread is only for crap jokes! 

Have you ever read any of the FSF ?

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. 
 
"Really?" he said

"Yes, the last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket and said  'You won't be needing this anymore.........."
 
 

 
I'm a fast worker
 
 
Anywho, this chap came in earlier and asked me if we had any books on the subject of 'Coincidences'....
 
"As a matter of fact" I said, "This one has just arrived."