AnsweredCrap Jokes anyone?

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Garry Stubbs
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 16:43:35 (permalink)
Did you hear about the one-armed butler - He could take it but he couldn't dish it out.............

Thank you

Garry Kiosk


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#31
RobertB
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 17:05:15 (permalink)
A sadist and a masochist are walking down the sidewalk.
The sadist lights a cigarette, turns, and puts it out in masochists eye.
The masochist says,"Ooooh, do that again!"
The sadist says, "No".

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#32
SteveJL
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 17:15:00 (permalink)
A Turd and a Will Not are out for a night out. They come up to a bar. Will Not says "I will not go in there". Turd says "OK, let's go". Will Not says "I will not". Turd says "I know who you are, let's go"...............

 
#33
OldGeezer
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 17:25:08 (permalink)
A student decides he wants to be the best proctologist ever, so he goes down to the morgue after class to get some practice. The first corpse he looks at has a cork in his butt! He thinks "that's odd", so he yanks it out and to his amazement, music starts playing.

"...On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy flips! He gets the chief coroner and brings him to the table.

"Check this out!" he says, and yanks the cork back out", and sure enough...."On the road again..."

The Coroner looks at him and says "So?"
"So?!! Isn't that the most incredible thing you've ever seen?
"What are you talking about?" says the coroner... "Any ass-hole can sing country music!"
post edited by OldGeezer - 2009/01/13 17:27:58
#34
OldGeezer
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 17:30:03 (permalink)
Q: What's 50 feet long, gray, and smells of urine?

A: Country line-dancing at the seniors home.
#35
Randy P
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 18:36:13 (permalink)
A door to door salesman is working a nice nieghborhood one day, when he walks up to a home and rings the doorbell.

A young boy about 13 answers the door, wearing a womans bra, a thong, and smoking a cigar.

The salesman looks the kid over, and stammers "is your mommy or daddy home?"

The kid takes the cigar from his lips and says "what the **** do you think!

Randy

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The music biz is a cruel and shallow money trench,a plastic hallway where thieves & pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side. Hunter S. Thompson
#36
SteveStrummerUK
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 19:28:55 (permalink)

For the Brits...

Boy says to his mother "Mum, I've got the biggest p**ck at nursery school - is it because I'm a Northerner?"

"No son, it's because you are 28 years old"

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#37
Fog
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 19:41:09 (permalink)
ok cowboy.. heres a few more to add to your list.

what you call a guy with a seagul on his shoulder.. *long pause* cliff

what you call a guy with a shovel in his head............ *tumble weed* ... doug

#38
SteveStrummerUK
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 20:16:12 (permalink)

ORIGINAL: Fog


what you call a guy with a shovel in his head............ *tumble weed* ... doug



What about a guy who hasn't got a shovel in his head?

 Music:     The Coffee House BandVeRy MeTaL

#39
OldGeezer
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 20:20:16 (permalink)
Douglas?

Edit: If so, it should be the winner given the title of this thread.
post edited by OldGeezer - 2009/01/13 20:26:07
#40
SteveStrummerUK
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 20:26:54 (permalink)

ORIGINAL: OldGeezer

Douglas?

Edit: If so, it should be the winner given the title of this thread.



Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I sure ain't touching it."

 Music:     The Coffee House BandVeRy MeTaL

#41
SteveStrummerUK
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 20:38:20 (permalink)

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little tetchy. Over breakfast, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and came across a set of railway lines. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Blimey," the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

 Music:     The Coffee House BandVeRy MeTaL

#42
OldGeezer
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 20:39:13 (permalink)
What do you do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?

You throw your laundry in of course.
#43
SteveStrummerUK
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/13 20:55:11 (permalink)
.

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 Music:     The Coffee House BandVeRy MeTaL

#44
ericyeoman
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/14 19:22:34 (permalink)
........walks away qietly........
post edited by ericyeoman - 2009/01/25 19:56:49
#45
OldGeezer
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/15 15:49:35 (permalink)
#46
Slugbaby
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/15 16:17:14 (permalink)
What's hard, brown and sticky?
A stick.

How do you get a bassist off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

How do you get a guitarist to shut up?
Put sheet music in front of him.

post edited by Slugbaby - 2009/01/15 16:22:39

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#47
Jonbouy
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/15 17:50:21 (permalink)
How do you get a guitarist to shut up?
Put sheet music in front of him.


It doesn't work....he'll just say he wouldn't have played it like that and play the intro to 'Smoke on the Water' anyway, like he does on everything.

"We can't do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles.
In the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves" - Banksy
#48
RobertB
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/15 20:29:49 (permalink)
Why do drive-up ATM's have braile buttons?

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Shimozu-Kushiari or Bob
#49
ericyeoman
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/15 21:20:13 (permalink)
Arese faacee
post edited by ericyeoman - 2009/01/25 20:00:11
#50
Jonbouy
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/15 21:29:43 (permalink)

ORIGINAL: RobertB

Why do drive-up ATM's have braile buttons?


Are you kidding? You wanna checkout the drivers round here...

"We can't do anything to change the world until capitalism crumbles.
In the meantime we should all go shopping to console ourselves" - Banksy
#51
Slugbaby
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/16 09:34:48 (permalink)
ORIGINAL: RobertB

Why do drive-up ATM's have braile buttons?


They DO have those here! I hadn't actually thought about it before though...
Then again, a blind man in Toronto sued the MTO (transport authority) citing discrimination for refusing to give him a drivers license. (no joke, unfortunately)
post edited by Slugbaby - 2009/01/16 09:35:55

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#52
tubeydude
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/16 13:42:53 (permalink)
What did the snail say when getting a ride on the turtle's back?..............

weeeeeeeeeeee
#53
tubeydude
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/16 13:44:41 (permalink)
an atom walks into the bar and screams "bartender, help me...I've lost my electron"
Bartender "ok, ok are you sure?"
atom "yes, I'm positive!"

#54
spacey
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/16 14:06:06 (permalink)
Friday and work day almost done so….time for one…

Drunk at end of bar notices a guy that sits down and ask the bar tender for a shot of 20 yr old scotch. He gets the shot, swooshes it around in his mouth and spits it out, that’s only 10 yr old scotch, I want 20 yr, Bar tender pours another shot. He swooshes it around in his mouth and spits it out. That’s only 12 yr old scotch….I want 20! Well the bar tender pours the Chivas and the guys swooshes it around and swallows….thanks, that’s what I wanted….The drunk finishes his beer and heads to the can where he pisses in the bottle. He goes back to the guy at the bar and says…hey fellow taste this…the guy takes the bottle, takes a swig and swooshes it around in his mouth and spits it out and yells “that’s piss!” the drunk says, “tell me old I am”.
#55
SteveStrummerUK
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/16 18:00:20 (permalink)

ORIGINAL: Jonbouy


ORIGINAL: RobertB

Why do drive-up ATM's have braile buttons?


Are you kidding? You wanna checkout the drivers round here...

ASIO or WDM?

 Music:     The Coffee House BandVeRy MeTaL

#56
1st wives club
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/16 18:20:23 (permalink)
What's pink, wrinkled, and hangs out a mans underpants?


......his mother! lmao

The Ex Mrs Strummy

#57
1st wives club
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/16 18:26:59 (permalink)
What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife!

The Ex Mrs Strummy

#58
RobertB
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/16 20:21:15 (permalink)
ASIO or WDM?

Most of 'em around here are definitely MME.
Windows? What are those for?

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#59
Susan G
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RE: Crap Jokes anyone? 2009/01/17 07:53:33 (permalink)
Hi-

Here's my submission:

Once again, for 2008, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked
to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3 Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2008 winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of making whoopee.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through
the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed
just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half
a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ah

-Susan

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