7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

A man goes to the Doctors wearing nothing but Clingfilm as underpants.

The Doc says "I can clearly see your nuts".

I got bothered by one of them clipboard carrying pains in the ass in the high street this afternoon.

She asked "Can you tell me which is your favourite Telly Tubby?"

I said "Actually, it's a 52" Sony Plasma, and you ain't so slim your f****** self, you fat b*****d"

An Essex girl takes a dress to the cleaners and says "I'll pick it up tommorrow"

The assisitant doesn't hear her properly and says "Come again". She says "Nah, mayonnaise this time."

"Doctor, I can't pronounce the letters 'F' or 'T'"

"Well, you can't say fairer than that"

A bloke goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

Thank you

Garry Kiosk

ORIGINAL: Fog

a horse walks into a bar.... bar tender.. why the long face

a man walks into a bar.... OUCH

a bit better >

Steve, bakers had a secret meeting the other day... it was on a KNEED to know basis

a midget clairvoyant escaped jail today... they are looking for a small medium at large

Same bar, different animal

A bear walks into a bar
Bartender "What'll it be?"
Bear "I'd like a martini..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
and a beer."
Bartender "Why the long pause"
Bear "I dunno, had them all my life."

ORIGINAL: plectrumpusher

A group of guys goes out camping in the desert. In the morning one of them goes out in the weeds to take a dump and squats on top of a rattle snake which bites him on the head of his member. He runs screaming into camp and one of his alarmed friends luckily has a cell phone and contacts a doctor . The doctor explains that a incision must be made between the fang holes , then the venom must be SUCKED out . The frenzied victim screams when his friend puts his cell phone away .

What did the doctor say !!!

What did the doctor say ?????......................?


His friend reponds , "The doctor said your going to die "

Is this a true story PP?

I can't see it, it takes some swallowing...

A little old lady goes to see the doctor to ask for some Viagra for her husband.

"It comes in different strengths from 1 up to 5 my dear" says the Doc "Number 3 dose is the average - he should be active for an hour or so, a number 5 dose should keep him going most of the night... you get the idea"

"I see, well I'll take a bottle of number 1 strength then please, just enough to stop him pissing on his slippers"

ORIGINAL: Crg

Computer Trouble

I was having trouble with my computer. So, I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:
I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little ****.

Oh, we at the pc shop so thank you for that.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

A drummer (not Jonbouy!) comes to audition for a local band.

His appearance attracts a lot of strange looks from the band members - he has a set of bathroom scales for a hat, and on top of the scales sits a sample bottle of piss.

Anyway, they give him a go but it's obvious he's not very good at all - he keeps losing time and dropped his sticks twice in the first number.

"Sorry man" says the lead singer, "But you're not getting the gig - you're in way above your head"

You are on a Horse, travelling at high speed, beside you to the left a sheer drop, to your right an elephant traveling the same speed and direction as you, in front, also a directly in front of you travelling the same speed and direction a zebra, with a a kangaroo behind you, again same direction and speed. you cannot overtake!, what 2 things must you do to save your live in this dangerous situation?



Get your drunk arse off the merry go round and act your age!

I've just been reading about a dwarf whose been pick pocketed! How could anyone stoop so low?

How can you tell a deaf Pirate?

No Buccaneers!