Roses are Red
Violets are Grey
Got the wrong colour
Never mind aye

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Control freak! Now you say 'Control freak who?'

I can't believe this glaring omission.

What d'ya call a man with a plank on his head?

Edward.

What d'ya call a man with 3 planks on his head?

Edward Woodward.

=============================

An equality commission forced civil servant 'Guy Chapman' to change his name.

He's now called 'Person Personperson'

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He loses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

ORIGINAL: space_cowboy

OK Fog Back At ya

What do you call a girl with one leg?
Ilene
What do you call a guy with one leg?
Neal
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Don't matter, he aint comin to you.

I can't believe nobody added this one. Maybe it isn't PC enough. I guess we'll see.

What do you call a girl with one leg? Ilene.
What do you call a chinese girl with one leg? Irene.

ORIGINAL: space_cowboy

Hah
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Yeah, I'd like to be able to spend half the time underwater too

A little boy gets up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent’s bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, muttering to himself, "..and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

There's a Motorway and a Dual Carriageway in a really rough pub enjoying a pint of cloudy scrumpy to demonstrate just how HARD they are.

The Dual Carriageway is impressing these pretty little A-roads with his central reservation and the Motorway is showing off about his hard shoulder and they're getting on really well.

They are just about to take the A-Roads "back to their place" when a pink piece of tarmac walks in through the door. The Motorway and the Dual Carriageway turn white with fear and they dive for cover beneath the table.

Well, the A-Roads are not impressed at all as you may imagine. The pink tarmac downs a triple vodka and walks out of the bar. The Motorway and Dual Carriageway get out from under the table realising that they've blown it with the A-Roads.

The first A-road asks the Motorway "Why did you go white and dive for cover when that pink piece of tarmac walked in -- you're supposed to be the king of the roads?".

The Motorway replies, "WHY? That guy's a bleedin' Cycle Path!!"

ORIGINAL: drumstixkev

A guy walks into a piano bar and has a seat at the end of the bar. On the other end sits a monkey in overalls with a tin cup. The piano players says,"I'm going to sing my first tune its called I like to rub poop on my balls." When he is done playing the monkey goes down the bar shoving the cup in front of everyone. People are shoving money like crazy in the cup. The monkey gets to the guy at the end of the bar and he says, "I'm not give you any money for that crappy song!" The monkey shoves the cup in his face again but the man refuses to pay. The piano player says," Now for my next song. This is a tune I wrote called My balls are large and hairy." When he is done the monkey goes down the bar collecting money in the tin cup. People once again are shoving money like crazy. The guy at the end of the bar says, "I'm not paying for that stupid song!" The monkey shoves the cup in his face again. The mans says, "No!" The monkey stands up drops his overalls and washes his balls in the man's beer. Now angry the man walks over to the piano player and says,"Hey do you know your monkey is washing his balls in my beer!" The piano player says," know it, I wrote it!"

Someone stole my intestines the other day.










I was gutted.

To do is to be - Descartes

To be is to do - Voltaire



























Do be do be do - Sinatra

ORIGINAL: SteveStrummerUK


Knock knock!

Who's there?

Control freak! Now you say 'Control freak who?'

Hey that belongs to Space Cowboy. And Me.

2 turds are sitting around the toilet bowl. One says "I don't feel so good". The other replies, "Yeah, you look like ***t."

What 60s singing group only played once a month?

The New Cristy Menstruals.

ORIGINAL: Slugbaby

Canadian club, on the rocks.

Hit me ...