A penguin has problems with his car. He takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic says "its gonna be about 30 minutes. You might wanna wait over at the Baskin Robbins across the street". The penguin loves ice cream and takes the advice. He orders himself a big bowl of vanilla. 30 minutes later, he walks back over to the mechanic, ice cream dripping from his beak and chin. He looks down at the mechanic and says "Well, what's it look like?" The mechanic slides out from under the car and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "No no, its just a little ice cream."

Man goes to the doctor with a frog growing out of his nose.

Surprised doctor says 'Well, well, what have we here?

Frog says: 'Dunno really, it started out as just a small spot on my arse'.

What are Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Michael Jackson expecting for Christmas?

Patrick Swayze.

ORIGINAL: bapu

I don't have one, but I feel like c%&p today.
Stomach flu, arrrrgh.
<edit: t really did beat the c%&p outta me last night>

Oi - make sure it ain't Swine Flu before you upload any more bass stems

Viruses I don't need

Viruses I don't need

All my bass stems are double sterlized and given a colonoscopy for good measure just be for shipping them off the internets.

<edit: the colonsocopy cleans the c%&p out for sure>

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
 
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
 
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered.
 
"Recently I stopped at a petrol station and came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
 
I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!''
 
St. Peter was impressed. 'When did this happen?'
 
'About 17 seconds ago.'

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
 
After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing.
 
[The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing.
 
At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.
 
Finally the drunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper in here either!”

A man runs into the vet clinic with his dog.
 
The doctor says "What seems to be the problem?" The man, frantic, says, "Well, he just isn't acting right, Doc. Can you do something for him?"
 
At this point, the vet calls out "Kevin, can you come in here".
 
A few seconds later a cat comes sauntering into the room. The cat walks in a circle around the dog, checking him out.
 
"What's the diagnosis Kevin" the vet says and picks up his cat. The cat whispers something in the vet's ear.
 
"Kevin's worked out what's wrong with your dog. Take these pills and give them to him once a day. Call if you have any more problems."
 
Well, the dog recovered nicely. A few days later, the man receives the vet's bill in the mail: $10.00 for medicine, $450.00 for lab tests.
 
The man rushes to the phone and calls the vet.
 
"Doctor! This bill! I'm sure you didn't run any lab tests! I don't understand! What's the $450.00 for??"
 
The doctor replies, "Oh, sure, that's for the cat scan."
 
  
  
  
  
 

And here I was thinking Mamabear had a crap joke.

Two men were fishing when Bob says "Bill, I'm thinking of divorcing my wife. She hasn't spoken to me for 2 months".
"Don't do that, Bob" said Bill. "Women like that are hard to find".

You mean you haven't tried it yet?