Q: What did the student study when he changed fields from particle physics to geology?

A: Earthquarks.

    A married couple was traveling by car from Walton
 Ky. to Jacksonville Fl. Being Seniors, after almost eleven
 hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and
 decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for
 four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked
 out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for
 $350.00.
 
   The man explodes and demands to know why the
 charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a
 nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for
 four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the
 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the
 Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to him, and then
explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge
conference center that were available for us to use.
 'But we didn't use them," the husband said.
 ''Well, they are here, and you could have,"
 explained the Manager.
 
    The Manager went on to explain that the couple
 could also have taken in one of the shows for which the
 hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers
  from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform
 here," the Manager says.
 
    "But we didn't go to any of those
 shows," the husband said. "Well, we have them, and
 you could have," the Manager replied.
 
    No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the
 husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the
 husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the
 check book he asked his wife to write the check.

    She did and gave it to the Manager.
 
    The Manager is surprised when he looks at the
 check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for
 $50.00."
 
    ''That's correct. I charged you
 $300.00 for sleeping with me,"
  she replied.

   "But I didn't!" exclaims the
 Manager.

   "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could
 have."
====================================

[font="'times new roman'"] Don't mess with senior citizens. They
 didn't get there by being stupid!
 

When is a synth player not like a door?

When he's a Jarre.

I lifted this from the last Prarie Home Companion joke show.
 
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. They were drunk, walking home, and they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
The other friend didn't want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.
They went home and the next day one of the women's husbands called the other and said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

Yep, the babbling bork works for me.

 
What's the difference between a Doner Kebab and Justin Bieber?
 
 
 
 
A Doner Kebab has pubic hair on it.
 
 
 
 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee...


...when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this
may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence, passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
.

SteveStrummerUK

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Great, now I gotta go get a thumb pump.