I bought some viagra eye-drops...
 
 
 
 
I wanted to look hard.
 
 
 
 

The Sports Club keep going on at me about the time I put super-glue on the javelin.






They just can't let it go.

A sloth was attacked by two turtles.  When asked to describe his assailants to detectives, all the sloth could say was "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"


(BWT - I noticed that there were a lot of dyslexia references back on page one, you shouldn't give those people a bad time, 10 out of 3 people have the issue you know!)

 
And in any case, didn't we rename dyslexia as 'A' Eduardo?
 
 

In honor of St. Patty's Day-

Irish COMPASSION 


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. 
Three women, from England , Wales , and Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. 
The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.   

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

A magician is working on a ship cruising the Mediterranean. Because the audience is different between ports the magician performs mostly the same magic tricks.

Unfortunately for the magician the captain's parrot saw every shows every week and learned all the tricks. This wouldn't have been a problem however the parrot began sharing the tricks with the audience.

For example (in Parrot's voice) "Look, it's not the same deck of cards!", "He has two rabbits, one is under the table", "All the cards are hearts" etc.

Of course the magician was furious but if he tried anything with the parrot he would lose his job.

One day the ship hit a rock and sank. As luck would have it the parrot and the magician both found themselves clinging to the same plank miles out at sea in the middle of nowhere.

They stared at each other for days but neither said a word. Just as it seemed as if the one would speak the silence would continue. Finally after a week the parrot finally gave in,


"Ok, I give up, where did you hide the boat?"

A man is flying across country and there is a parrot in the seat next to him. 

The stewardess comes by to take drink orders and and the man orders a scotch and water.  The parrot orders a gin and tonic and says "and make it snappy you stupid *****!  The stewardess  gets flustered and brings the parrot his drink but forgets the man's scotch and water.  The man says "you forgot my drink now make it snappy you stupid *****!"  

By this time the poor stewardess has had enough and calls the captain.  The captain says he won't stand for abuse to his crew and throws the parrot and the man off the plane.

As they are free falling the parrot says to the man "you know, you're kind of mouthy for someone without wings."

Alimentary, My dear Watson.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. 

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. 

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. 

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..'

It seems the police arrested two men last night. One had swallowed some battery acid and the second had eaten a box of fireworks. The super charged the first and let the other one off...

Columbus Ohio

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?






.....
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).









....

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 

On the third day, she sat on the floor of her dining room and feasted on shrimp, caviar, and a bottle of wine. 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. 


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 


When the husband moved in with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. 

Then slowly, the house began to smell. 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. 

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. 

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. 

Nothing worked! 

People stopped coming over to visit. 

Repairmen refused to work in the house. 

The maid quit. 


Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. 

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. 


Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. 

They had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. 

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. 
  
He told her the saga of the smelly house. She  listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house. 
  
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. 

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. 

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........ 

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods. 

Puns- These just arrived fresh from the 'Groanarama.'   Some I've seen or heard before, but they seemed bad enoungh to include here {Pssst- check out #10}:

1.    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


 

2.    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"


 

3.    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


 

4.    Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


 

5.    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.


 

6.    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


 

7.    A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in   Spain ; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


 

8.    A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.   He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


 

9.    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


 

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

A neutrino walks into a bar.  The bartender says "Can I help you?"  
The neutrino replies "No thanks, I'm just passing through."