SongCraft
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/16 15:17:28
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:::: NEWS FLASH :::: NEWS FLASH :::::
A guy comes home from work after a hefty 16 hour shift, grabs the newspaper and goes to the toilet, sits down and lights up a cigarette when suddenly ka'BOOM.. there's an explosion...
The wife immediately calls emergency, the ambulance arrives... as they carry moaning victim down the stairs the paramedics ask the wife... *ahem* so how did this happen?... the wife replies;
I was trying to kill a roach, it went in the toilet bowl so I quickly grabbed a can of spray, probably used up the whole can. Then shortly after hubby arrives homes, he sits on the toilet then lights up and.... Ka'BOOM!
The paramedics laughed so hysterically they drop the poor guy, he tumbles down the stairs... thud.. thud.. thud.. thud.. thud.. boink
Apparently this is based on a true story. The wife had used a whole can of flamable liquid in the toilet bowl to kill a little bug.
Can you imagine the poor guy not only had his jewels blown off but probably also had his neck broken after falling several flights down the stairs.
AWw man.... awww BOY!!
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Old55
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/16 20:11:59
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Should have just flushed. LOL.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot--hey, who the hell are you guys? X2(X3 pending hardware upgrade), Emulator X2, E-mu 1212M, Virtual String Machine
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craigb
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/16 23:20:01
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Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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SongCraft
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 00:44:10
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Old55
Should have just flushed. LOL.
Probably tried that at first but that little pesky bug just wouldn't stop flinching!!
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SongCraft
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 00:49:35
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craigb
Uranus is gaseous...
After an incident like that I doubt there be much of Uranus left!
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Bristol_Jonesey
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 04:50:21
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I quit my job at the helium factory today.
I'm not letting anyone talk to me like that
Boom boom.
CbB, Platinum, 64 bit throughoutCustom built i7 3930, 32Gb RAM, 2 x 1Tb Internal HDD, 1 x 1TB system SSD (Win 7), 1 x 500Gb system SSD (Win 10), 2 x 1Tb External HDD's, Dual boot Win 7 & Win 10 64 Bit, Saffire Pro 26, ISA One, Adam P11A,
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bapu
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 11:53:08
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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us more inclined to have encounters with the authorities on our way home from the odd holiday social session. Well, I have done something about it.
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many rum-nogs and knowing full well I was over the limit. I did something I've never done before-I took a bus home. I arrived safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I'd never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.
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Janet
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 12:29:00
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That reminds me of a young friend of mine. (true story) He was applying for a school bus driver job. But there was this little incident of grand larceny on his record. (He'd stolen a car.) His response to that was, 'Well, doesn't it make a difference that it wasn't a school bus?'
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 19:44:05
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☄ Helpful
I was sunbathing on the beach when my attention was drawn to a woman thrashing about in the sea screaming "Help, shark! Help!".
Oh how I laughed...
I just knew that shark wasn't going to help her.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 20:09:31
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I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet...
So far I've got seventeen fridges.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 20:27:23
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Emile Heskey has revealed that he's been wearing a T-shirt under his top ever since his last goal and will show it off next time he scores.
It says "Free Nelson Mandela".
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 20:44:13
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Manchester United have signed a new striker from Nigeria. On his first day of training, Sir Alex picked up the ball and said "BALL" then pointed at the goal and said "GOAL". Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'KICK' understand, "KICK... BALL... GOAL... GOOOOOAAAALLL!"
Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies "Sit down son, I'm talking to Rooney".
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 20:51:56
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Who will take the second shot in this frame of snooker?
Find out after the break.
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craigb
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/17 21:08:25
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Why are turds tapered? So your ******* doesn't slam shut.
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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Flywheel
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/18 09:40:53
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Why did the pig cross the road?
To beat up the protestor with his baton!
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paulo
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/18 11:12:34
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Why did the Polish man cross the road ?
Cos he'd taken the chicken's job.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/18 16:25:20
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☄ Helpful
I've just ordered myself a scale model of the Costa Concordia.
They've put it to one side for me.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/18 16:27:21
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An Eskimo was tapping on the ice looking for some fish when a voice said; 'You won't find any fish under there!'
The Eskimo just ignored it and carried on tapping. Again, the voice echoed saying 'You won't find any fish under there!'
The Eskimo shouted up 'Who are you? God?' and the voice replied, 'No, the ice-rink manager!'
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craigb
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/19 01:47:14
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I got a new radio for my car that's voice activated. I say "Rock" and it plays Rock. I say "Jazz" and it plays Jazz.
Yesterday, two kids ran in front of me while I was driving down the street. I said "F****** kids!" and the radio played Michael Jackson...
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/20 17:09:10
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 Harsh, but hilarious fair.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/20 17:13:37
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☄ Helpful
I've just seen Stephen Hawking withdraw from a cash machine....
It's nice to see he's found someone at last.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/20 18:04:51
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☄ Helpful
I was really upset when someone stole my German sausage....
It's taken me a while to deal with it, but I'm over the Wurst.
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space_cowboy
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/20 18:38:41
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☄ Helpful
Some people call me Maurice SPLAT Pro lifetime, ADK 6 core 3.6Ghz with 32 GB RAM, SSD 1TB system drive, 3 3TB regular drives for samples, recordings and misc. Behringer X Touch, UAD Apollo Quad. 2 UAD2 Quads PCI (i think - inside the box whatever that is), Console 1. More guitars (40??) and synths (hard and soft) than talent. Zendrum!!!
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craigb
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/25 01:58:58
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A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘
The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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craigb
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/27 01:14:58
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Did you hear the one about the dyslexic magician who kept trying to pull a hat out of a rabbit?
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/27 06:27:27
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☄ Helpful
I was furious to be woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of my neighbours going at it like rabbits in my back garden...
"Grow your own carrots you pair of thieving twats" I shouted.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/27 06:30:32
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☄ Helpful
My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/28 14:25:03
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☄ Helpful
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."
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Aritimas
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/01/28 14:32:06
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One day I was stood in a park wondering why frisbees get larger the longer you stare at them.
Then it hit me.
"Don't tell me to do something and then wonder why I did it!" "Why you ask? Because I want to!"
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/08 15:49:28
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I applied to be a human cannonball at the local circus but apparently they only take people of a certain calibre.
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