SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/08 15:50:29
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I applied to be a human cannonball at the local circus but apparently they only take people of a certain calibre.
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57Gregy
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/08 23:43:47
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I think I read that somewhere...
(since this post is on a new page, you probably didn't see the 1st of the double posts)
Sheesh. When you have to explain something it takes all the humo(u)r out of it.
Take my wife, please.
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craigb
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/09 02:03:16
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So this Irishman walks past a bar...
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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bapu
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/18 11:34:01
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
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bapu
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/18 11:35:35
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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
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bapu
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/18 11:36:37
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
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bapu
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/18 11:38:03
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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
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craigb
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/18 12:08:24
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I hope your lovely lady isn't blonde Bapu! If she is though, you can keep her busy by asking her to alphabetize these: 
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/18 18:09:12
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craigb
I hope your lovely lady isn't blonde Bapu!
If she is though, you can keep her busy by asking her to alphabetize these:
Pfft..... piece of piss that Craig. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/18 18:17:25
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☄ Helpful
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/18 18:31:40
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☄ Helpful
My mate Dean has a terrible stutter....
Every time he introduces himself it's like Match of the Day is starting.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/18 18:34:05
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☄ Helpful
What goes oooooooooooooo ooooooooo?
A cow with no lips.
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craigb
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 01:14:01
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What goes "Mark! Mark! Mark!"
A dog with a hair lip.
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 17:57:40
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I recently invented an elevator that only contains an 'Up' button.........
Unfortunately, it didn't go down too well.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 18:00:33
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I just read a letter from my girlfriend saying that she is breaking up with me because I cant throw anything away....
It was dated 18th August 1977.
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paulo
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 18:06:44
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My wife said she was leaving me because she said all I ever think about is football. " I've just had enough of it. You show no interest in me whatsoever and in fact I've started seeing another man" she said " Really ? " I said. "What team does he support ?"
post edited by paulo - 2012/02/19 18:31:26
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craigb
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 18:09:11
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What's the difference between a grape and an elephant? Grapes are purple.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? "There are elephants coming over the hill!"
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill? "There are grapes coming over the hill!" (Jane's colorblind.)
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
What do you get when you run around inside an elephant for a long time? You get pooped out.
Time for all of you to head over to Beyond My DAW!
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 18:11:21
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☄ Helpful
My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.
I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"
She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."
I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 18:19:06
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☄ Helpful
Last night me and my girlfriend were in a bar when some lads came over and started picking on her.
"Aren't you going to help?" my girlfriend shouted.
"What do you want me to do? I replied.
"Knock one out at least" my girlfriend shrieked.
"Wouldn't it be more helpful if I punched one of them unconscious" I shouted back.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 18:21:15
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My girlfriend's getting angry because I won't stop doing my flamingo impression....
So I've had to put my foot down.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 18:25:50
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My wife's obsession with jigsaws has finally sent her crazy and she's been committed to a mental hospital....
I've been left to pick up the pieces.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 18:51:41
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☄ Helpful
I'm now a fully qualified greengrocer...
I have lettuce after my name.
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/02/19 19:02:56
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I was having doubts about whether cleaning my AR15, Colt 45 and my 357 Magnum with glue was a good idea.
In the end I thought, sod it, I'll stick to my guns.
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space_cowboy
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/09/27 15:58:42
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Prior to Islam Arabs contributed a lot to society in terms of arts and sciences
Did you know Arabs came up with the concept for condoms using goat intestines?
Of course the Brits perfected the condom by taking the intestine OUT of the goat.
Ha
Some people call me Maurice SPLAT Pro lifetime, ADK 6 core 3.6Ghz with 32 GB RAM, SSD 1TB system drive, 3 3TB regular drives for samples, recordings and misc. Behringer X Touch, UAD Apollo Quad. 2 UAD2 Quads PCI (i think - inside the box whatever that is), Console 1. More guitars (40??) and synths (hard and soft) than talent. Zendrum!!!
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/09/27 16:00:16
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My girlfriend told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.
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bapu
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/09/27 16:11:50
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Old55
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/09/27 16:12:02
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SteveStrummerUK
My girlfriend told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.
 It must have been an unrequited unrequired love. Glad to see this thread revived.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot--hey, who the hell are you guys? X2(X3 pending hardware upgrade), Emulator X2, E-mu 1212M, Virtual String Machine
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space_cowboy
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/09/27 16:31:36
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What's the best part of dating twenty nine year olds?
There's twenty of them
Some people call me Maurice SPLAT Pro lifetime, ADK 6 core 3.6Ghz with 32 GB RAM, SSD 1TB system drive, 3 3TB regular drives for samples, recordings and misc. Behringer X Touch, UAD Apollo Quad. 2 UAD2 Quads PCI (i think - inside the box whatever that is), Console 1. More guitars (40??) and synths (hard and soft) than talent. Zendrum!!!
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space_cowboy
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/09/27 16:35:54
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. Chugs it. "check please" the neutron asks. The bartender replies "for you, no charge!"
Some people call me Maurice SPLAT Pro lifetime, ADK 6 core 3.6Ghz with 32 GB RAM, SSD 1TB system drive, 3 3TB regular drives for samples, recordings and misc. Behringer X Touch, UAD Apollo Quad. 2 UAD2 Quads PCI (i think - inside the box whatever that is), Console 1. More guitars (40??) and synths (hard and soft) than talent. Zendrum!!!
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SteveStrummerUK
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Re:Crap Jokes anyone?
2012/09/27 17:21:53
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bapu
What a quaint fred.
This used to be the FSF. When the Coffee House was young, untainted and virginal. You know.... Before Daryk arrived on the scene
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