Nice job, Mark. How'd you find that so fast? My description wasn't very good. 

 
 
  

dang this thread is fun!!!


A boy wakes in the middle of the night and heads down the hallway to the bathroom when he sees a light under his parent's bedroom door.  Curious, he peeps through the key hole.  After a minute he slips back into the bedroom he shares with his little brother.  He wakes his younger brother and motions to him to follow.  The older brother says take a look pointing to the keyhole of the parent's bedroom door and then stops his younger brother and says, "wait, before you look just remember this is the woman that yelled at you for sucking your thumb the other day.".

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant.

'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Ole, How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says
Ole..

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks
the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including
her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME
- I haven't seen a man in over two years!!" '

'Yumpin'  Yiminee, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

' I put drops in her eyes!! '

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of OZ

They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard .

"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz? "


Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
"I've come for some courage."

" No Problem! said the Wizard Who ' s next? "


Richard Nixon stepped forward,
"Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done!" says the Wizard.


"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"


Up stepped George Bush and said,
"I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem! said the Wizard. Consider it done."


Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Well, what do you want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

 
 

A Good Ole Scottish Man had a wee bit too much to drink and while stumbling home had found himself a nice cozy spot on the side of the road to take a nap.

A short while later, two lassies happened on the man and decided to play a joke on him. One of the girls took her hair ribbon off and handed to the other one who managed to lift up the Scotsman's kilt and proceeded to tie the ribbon around what she found. Giggling, the two Lassies hurried off home.

After a long nap the Scotsman awoke from his stupor and was a little startled by what had happened until he finally came to terms with the incident by proclaiming," Hooten-man, I don't know where ye bin, but ye won first prize"

Santa’s Bad Day

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.  Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
 
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
 
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
 
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
 
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.  The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
 
And thus began a tradition we still follow to this day....

Jonbouy


Kids today!

It seems they have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas.

I was speaking to some this morning.

They didn't even know who 'Morecambe and Wise' were.

LOL
 
Merry Christmas to you and Kerry JB!

 
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.  St Peter explains that to be allowed in, they must present him with something “Christmassy”.
 
The first man searches his pocket, and finds a sprig of Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
 
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
 
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
 
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”
 
The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

a Ukrainian guy goes up to Churchill to do some snowmobiling.  during his ride he encounters an Inuit guy who's sled is broken down.  he asks the Inuit if he would like him to see what's wrong with it.  after a half hour of looking at the sled the Ukrainian says to the Inuit... "looks like you blew a seal"  the Inuit replies..."no no, it's just frost on my mustache"

SteveStrummerUK


 
Two nuns in the bath....
 
"Where's the soap Bernadette?"
 
"Yes, it certainly does Sheila"

Ok, if we're going that far back, then............

The same two nuns later took a ride down on a tandem down a bumpy road in an unfamiliar part of town.

"I've never come this way before Sheila"  says Bernadette

"Nor have I" replies Sheila "must be something to do with the road surface"

A Mexican lady gave birth to twin boys, Juan and Amal. The proud father took a photo..of Juan.

His puzzled wife said 'Why did you not photograph both our lovely boys?'

'What's the point?' said the father

'When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal'