There were two budgies sat on a perch.
 
One says to the other: "Can you smell fish?"

18.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Exactly what crossed my mind when I first read it.


The following are attributed to the late, great Tommy Cooper:



This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

OK, this isn't a crap joke, but it makes me smile. I'll keep looking... :-)

 
You get five smileys for that one Mambear! 

Glad to hear you're figuring out the phone. I'll be there.

A woman introduced her husband to a new colleague at the office. Later, her colleague said, 'You and him don't seem to have much in common. Why did you get married?'
 
The woman replied, 'It was a case of opposites attract - he wasn't pregnant and I was.'

BTW, I've taken up golf.
 
Bought myself a big f-off Jon Daly one-wood.
 
It's about 7 foot long and has a very powerful whippy shaft and an absolutely enormous club-face.
 
Trouble is, if I get my swing all wrong the bloody thing wraps around and catches me smack in the b****cks  
 
 
 
 
It's driving me nuts
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
PS - I know it's a repeat but it didn't get a laugh in the other thread!

Different 'driving'

So I said to the Hedgehog...

Why can't you just share the Hedge like everyone else does?

Before Michael Vaughan, who was the last person to screw an Aussie and take home the Ashes?
 
 
…Paula Yates.
 
 
(Ouch!)

 
The French will eat almost anything.
 
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
 
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.
 
He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral.
 
In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.
 
 

 
How do you keep DKNY busy for hours?
 
 
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jack dee mentioned this on tv a while ago.. i forgotten it


how much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

pan'ten

(£1.10  it's also a brand errm yer)

Man can I relate to that!

Except I have no MONEY

 
Q. How many SONAR Forum regulars does it take to change a lightbulb?
 
 
 
A. None (I don't understand it! It should be working!)
 
 

SteveStrummerUK


 
Q. How many SONAR Forum regulars does it take to change a lightbulb?
 
 
 
A. None (I don't understand it! It should be working!)
 
 

A. None. Noel will do it if you give him the reproducable recipe.